Finally, time to blog!

I've been gone for a week. We went to my in-laws house for Christmas, and while I've occasionally logged in to track my calories online, I haven't had time to blog until today. Jeff and I got home from the other side of the state yesterday at 2 o'clock, and it started snowing, about 5 minutes before we got home. And it snowed for about 7 hours straight, and we got 5 inches of snow. The snow was lovely! I love snow!

For Christmas, my parents-in-law gave Jeff and I a Wii and a Wii fitness. It is soo much fun. I spent about 20 minutes playing the games on it last night and then my Mom and sisblings came over to play and we all had a hilarious time! There are some fun games on there! And in the program, it’ll do kind of a body analysis; weight and bmi, etc. And it’s very close to my scale, so I think it’s accurate. It said I now weigh 295!

So I lost weight over the holidays! And while yes, I did get sick, it was only for one night and a day, and after that time I ate pretty normally. Even if part of it was from being sick, I definitely lost something, which is pretty cool! We also watched Julie and Julia, which I really loved! Fantastic movie; made me tear up several times. But the hardest was when she found out her sister was expecting a baby, and as she’s crying in her husband’s arms, she says “I’m so happy for them”. I couldn’t sob out loud because the parents were right there, but Jeff quietly reached over and took my hand, it really did pull at my heart strings. In large part because I know exactly how she felt.

When someone tells me that they’re expecting, it hurts because it seems to come so easy for them, but at the same time, I am happy for them. I think I struggle with being gracious about it; like when they tell me, and I get the little pain in my heart, I know I could take the news better than I do. I’m not mean, but I think I do possibly act a little bitter. The problem there is that then they don’t want to tell me because they know that it bothers me. It seems to be a never ending circle, so I’m working on ending it.

Jeff and I talked and agreed that for the 3 (something) months, we’re going to focus less on getting pregnant, and more on losing weight, and getting a little healthier. I think it’ll help us both to not focus so much on it, but I have a tough time Not thinking about. How does a person do that? I mean, not only do we feel hormonal certain times of month, we have a regular monthly reminder about it. What can I do to help myself think about it less? I don’t know. And also, during that scene, it made me think about how hard it must be for someone who is expecting a baby to announce their pregnancy to someone who’s struggling with the trying to get pregnant. That has to be so hard. Anyways, I think that’s enough deep thinking for one day.

Why I don't run at night

May your stuffing be tasty,
may your turkey be plump,
may your potatoes and gravy
not go to your rump.

May your yams be delicious,
may your pies take the prize and
may your Christmas dinner
stay off of your thighs.

I love this poem! I'm going to put it onto FB just for fun! Last night, I completed Week 2 in the C25k program! On the treadmill of course. I live in the country, kind of. Like my house is located a few minutes from town, but I live down a road with only 10 or 15 houses on it, and fairly spread out.

There is a business of sorts at the beginning of the road that helps homeless, and often drug addicts go there. And in the nearly 6 years I've lived in my home, I've experienced alot of unusual and uncomfortable events from some of these people, as they often come down the road. Because of these events, I already don't really feel comfortable being outside after dark, or not having Jeff with me, or even being on the deck when it's dark if I know Jeff isn't right inside.

I've seen and heard too many weird things. But the other day, I gave it a try. And ran into a skunk. Well, technically, I stopped a few feet from it. But my gosh he reeked, and raised his tail. After I backed away slowly, I turned and ran faster than I have before. Except maybe that one time I ran from the wave of foam at the beach. And that made me go back to my treadmill.

Anyway, we're leaving tonight for the MIL and FIL's house, where we'll be tomorrow. We're only going halfway tonight, so we don't have to go over the snowy icy mountain passes in the dark. Ugh. I love this drive, but the snow and ice from November through May make me very nervous. We have our suitcases, gifts, and ingredients for fudge and pecan pie (which I'll be making tomorrow).

Then, thanks to my watching a show last week called "I shouldn't be alive", Jeff thought I was being a little paranoid. I think I'm reasonable and if we ever drive off a cliff or get stuck, Jeff will be grateful for my forsight. But (thanks to the show), I packed a 24-pack of water bottles, 14 cans of food, and a can opener, my very extensive first aid kit (beer included, of course), a rope, and blankets. We'll survive over 2 weeks if that happens. Fingers crossed, but prepared just in case. And if anything, the weight of the extras will help on the snow and ice. See? Positives all around! I'd probably even lose weight!

Week 1: Goal met!

Well, as of yesterday, I finished week 1 of the Couch to 5 K program! I had originally planned to do the third workout on Saturday, but was unable to, so I got up on Sunday and did it. It was really funny; I thought my family was over when someone dang the doorbell three times, but it turned out to be my roommate's mom who's a little awkward to talk to, and to be around.

I am also rarely in a talking mood first thing in the morning. So I was all dressed in my workout (read: unattractive) clothes, and listened at our bedroom door for them to leave. The second they left, I was out the door, racing quietly for the other end of the house, where I snuck into our exercise room and closed the door, seconds before they came back in. Talk about being stealthy! LOL.

And I sent the roomie texts that I was exercising so don’t come in unless she wants to lose her head. (Reason for that is I'm self-conscious when I'm exercising, and the first thing a person would see walking into the room is my butt, and I’m grumpy in the morning). Anyways, I did the whole 28 minutes (YAY), and felt pretty good about it. Then I had to get my sweaty stinky self to the bathroom to take a shower, and be seen by her family, who was back.

It was either walk past them, or go out the front door and around to the back. Either way, they would’ve heard me, and I didn’t want to be rude to them, so I walked past them to our room. An on the way, her Mom who was sitting on the couch (one of the laziest people I know; in this instance, they were putting up the tree, decorating, etc., and she was watching them), and as I walked past and said Hello, she calls out “did you exercise for me too?”. I swear, my mind stopped dead. What do you say to that?!? LOL, after what felt like 5 minutes of mental gymnastics (remember, I’m barely thinking in the morning), I said “I can only exercise for myself right now.” I’m hoping it wasn’t rude, but no one seemed to think so, so I’m assuming not. Ahh, what a morning!

I conquer!

Yesterday, I started motivating myself for my C25K run last night. I started first thing in the morning. And all throughout the day, made sure that I kept doing it. So last night, I got home from work, ate dinner and went to exercise. I made it through the entire W1D2 of it!!! The whole 28 minutes! YES! My mini goal was to get through 6 sets of the walking/running, because on Day 1, I made it halfway there. But yesterday, I made it through the entire thing!!! I felt so proud of myself, I knew I could do it!

And then when I went out to the living room where my husband was hanging out, I sat my sweaty stinky self on the arm of the sofa to talk to him for a second, and he observed that my face is looking thinner!!! I hadn't really noticed, but then, I tend to look pretty closely at my face every day. So I took a picture in the bathroom and lo and behold, it is thinner!

Sometimes, I pity my husband.

For about the last week, I've been (I'm sure) a major stressor on my husband. I've been extremely emotional, to the point that I cried when he gave me a hug, I cried when we were talking on the phone, I cried talking to my roommate, etc. For me, it's been ridiculous. But for my husband, he who has 4 brothers and 0 (zero) sisters, he doesn't understand what's going on, and even feels bad because he thinks he's the cause of my stress. I'd LOL, but I might cry.

I thought that maybe my fertility was working for a change, and I suppose there's still a chance, but I won't know for 4 more days. In the meantime, I'm really struggling with emotional mood swings, tenderness, and other things. My temperature dropped nearly a whole degree yesterday, but then today it went back up halfway, so I really don't know what to think. Honestly, I'm trying not to. If I hope that I am pregnant, and then find out I'm not, it's heartbreaking. If I'm expecting that I'm not, it's easier to take.

Better is Good Enough

I recently read a blog on "Escape from Obesity" written by Lyn. She is the person who started me on my weight loss journey. I had never quite had the motivation to start working on a lifestyle change. I always had the dream and the desire, but lacked the motivation and how to. In dreaming about it all these years, I've done alot of research, and learned soo much about how the body works; how weight comes on and off; better exercises for the body, etc. So much information, but I didn't quite (apparently) know how to use it all as a whole, properly with positive changes. After I happened upon "Escape from Obesity", I realized that I was alot like Lyn, and I was able to relate to her. So I started in her archives on her very first blog and read several each day, until I caught up, and follow her daily now.

Her blog the other day said "Better is Good Enough". Which I absolutely believe! If what I do today for lunch is not great, but it's better than what I would've done for lunch a year ago, it's good enough. Which may be a baby step, but to me is progress. Lunch a year ago might have been a cheesy bean and rice burrito, triple layer nachos, and a chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell. Not only is that bad “sounding” for me, it’s also 1,330 calories; 66g. carbs; 136g. fat; and 48g. protein. Nearly an entire days worth of calories (and other nutrients) for me.

Compare that to my lunch today: ½ C. spaghetti (I started with probably 1 ½ C., but then took a breath and put 1 C. back. (Better.)) 1 very small piece of garlic bread, and 1 C. of homemade split pea soup. The total is approximately 350 calories. Way better compared to yesterday, a week ago and even a year ago. I think I have found my new mantra. I don’t expect myself to be perfect, and neither could I ever be. So for me, to be Better, IS good enough.

Coming up on vacation!

Despite my lack of motivation, in getting started with the C25K, I'm still making lots of extra little steps. Like yesterday, I finished most of the shopping for my family, and I think I walked around the store at least twice. And then I walked up and down a bunch of aisles. I had a list, but I was just checking out what they had and considering it for my hubs.

And..... today, I've kept close track of my calories and eaten pretty well, if I do say so myself. I've also decided to start weighing myself on Thursdays instead of Sundays. While still being honest with myself, I know that I don't do as well, calorie-wise on weekends, so I weigh myself on Sunday and the weight is a bit higher because we may go out to dinner or something. Doing it on Thursday would give me more time to fix any damage done on the weekend, although in the long run, I just need to eat better on the weekends. It's definitely a goal of mine.

My mother-in-law asked us what we want as a couple, and after a slight debate, Jeff told her a wii. Which sounded fine with me. We could compete and be active together, which would be great. But when I was at the store last night, I checked out their wii programs, and holy smokes! First you have to have the wii. Then you have to buy a separate program for the games, or wii fit($20), then you have to buy the balance board($99), or fake golf club thingie($30). I mean, it really adds up. I'm assuming we'll get a new program a couple times a year if we feel like it, but seriously, it almost seems not worth it. What a way for that company to make more money. It's just like the cell phone companies who can't all produce the same wall phone charger. NOoooo, it's gonna be a completely different charger for each phone because they're not compatible. (And then they make another$35 offa you for the phone charger you needed).

My brother is going into the Navy in January, and after months of thinking about what would be good for him for Christmas (especially since he can't bring it with him), I chose cookies. I'll make him one dozen for Christmas, and then twice during the next year, he can send me a letter asking for his Christmas present, and I'll ship it to him. Not to mention, it'd bring a little bit of home to him. I can't believe it took me so long to figure it out. LOL, but I really love what we're all doing this year.

Lacking motivation

For some reason, I can't seem to motivate myself to exercise in the evenings. I've at least been riding my exercise bike for awhile, but I really want to run! I don't know if I want to feel the wind on my face, or what, but I want to be one of those people who, at some point in their day, spend a small amount of time, running, by themselves, for themselves.

It started out that I did run one evening, and had to keep checking my husband's watch (and worse, it was dark so I had to fumble around for the light button before I could see it). The C25K website has a podcast, if you can call it that, that has a guys voice say when to jog or when to run. But no music. Sorry, but that bores me to tears. So, in looking around more, I found a couple of podcasts that have the intervals, which is exactly what I want. So tonight, I'll have my husband download one onto the ipod and then I can go. But I must go. If I don't buckle down, I know I will never buckle down.

I want to like exercise. I want to be motivated and determined enough that I don't let myself make excuses, or "lose track" of the time in the evenings. I'm tired of sitting there and playing games with myself. I've been doing great hovering around 300, with little effort. If I put in more effort, I'll see better results. I need to do this for me.

Another thing that is difficult is that we're still pretty tight financially, and even 1 week of groceries (including fresh fruit and veggies) will add up. It's kind of a catch 22; healthy foods are best for us, and especially for losing weight. But they cost us an arm and a leg. (Maybe that's how they help us lose weight! LMAO!!! Ok. bad joke. I know.) Anyways, I have a basic menu written out for myself for a week, I have my tupperware containers at the ready, I'm so prepared. But I don't have the food because I don't want to use the money we have left, just in case we need it at the end of the month. Maybe I'll skim down my menu a bit and go to the store tonight and get the basics. A small step is always better than nothing.

An update

I've still counted my calories and tracked my foods, but only halfheartedly, I think because I've been lazy. And it seems to be more on the weekends, I get busy and forget to. I also haven't really worked out, as I've planned to do. It always seems like something comes up.

So my goal for the next week is to write down my calories in my notebook (which I haven't used for a couple of weeks and seems to help get me back on track) and to start the Couch to 5k program. Tonight. Rain or shine (though it's bi*chy cold outside right now), it's going to happen. I've also decided to slowly try Clean Eating. I love the idea of eating for energy, and foods that are unprocessed and actually healthy with their lack of additives and preservatives. I'm doing more research today, and then I'll be shopping tonight to give myself a gentle start.

It'll take some doing for me, as I like to sleep in, every morning as late as I can, so I have to have everything prepared the evening before so I can just grab my cooler and go. I feel really positive about this step. Even if I don't lose weight on it, I will know that I'm healthier because I'm eating healthier.

Sidenote: (I'm grumbling at the computer because I don't want to include this) but I'm trying to be honest with myself first, because that keeps me accountable. I weighed myself yesterday and I am back up to 300 even. I did eat a saltier dinner, which definitely does have an impact on me, and like I said above, I've been slacking. But on the positive side, that's only 1.2 pounds up from last Sunday, which is not as bad as I'd imagined. So, there's me being honest.

The weather here is bitterly cold, but skies as blue and clear as ever, but with a wind chill factor that makes it feel like it's 17 degrees outside. Brrrrrrrrr.

Death (that makes 4) and BMI points

I found out my Great Uncle passed away yesterday. I knew he'd been in poor health, over a year ago, but I hadn't heard anything in that time at all, so I didn't know his health was that bad. I didn't know him, so I'm not really grieving, but what does make me sad is that he is my Grandpa's twin brother, and they had a nasty argument when they were young, like 20-ish, and never resolved it, so it built so much that they would avoid being around each other all the time. What's sad is that they wasted the majority of their lives hating each other, and now, there's no chance to move on.

On a more positive note, in losing the 14-something pounds that I've lost, I have also gotten rid of 2.4 BMI points! I started at 50.5 which, I think, is morbidly obese, which just sounds ugly. My new BMI is 48.1!!!!! I know I'm way high still (and still morbidly obese), but it's still lower than it was.

I hate drama!

Last night, my darling hubby put up a political quote on his facebook page. We're fairly conservative, as was the comment. We predicted his SIL would be responding to it very shortly (she's fairly liberal), and she did. But, as usual, it had a little bite in it.

So Jeff, being Jeff, deleted it. LOL, I thought it was funny first. After all, we all have that option on our page, to delete a persons comment if we don't like it. Then the SIL sent him an email to both of us, telling us that she is "hurt and offended" that he'd delete her comment. This from his favorite SIL. I'm so confused, mostly because she turned it into a personal thing. As in, he deleted the comment because he wanted to hurt her? Something like that. I wrote to her, belaying my confusion, and saying that he didn't do anything TO her. Deleting the comment wasn't a slap at anything. It was simply what he chose to do.

So then she set her husband (my hubby's brother) to chat with Jeff, and they went on and on about he he's changed and has no compassion, and is cold, etc. It's a very weird situation, as they WAAAYYY overreacted and can't just accept that he has a different opinion and they should just move on. (A number of these things I also wrote in the email to her). I was very nice, stated that we love them very much, but still was frustrated by all this drama. She has also suggested that we remove them as facebook friends, which I'd rather not do, as facebook is where we keep up with the lives of old friends and long-distance family. So now, she and her husband are taking a vacation from Facebook. No biggie to me, but it bothers Jeff the way everything snowballed. And worse, he tends to apologize for these things, whether he's in the wrong or not. Which tells me he takes the blame for these things.

Sometimes, I wish these people would just give me a call, or something and have it out with me instead of him. He has an anxiety disorder and these events often stress him out. And if they call him, he always ends up apologizing. They all think he owes apologies for our ridiculous beach vacation this last summer even.

Maybe I'm playing the devils advocate, but I absolutely think they're being ridiculous and I encourage him to be strong in what he believes, no matter what they say.

Despite the stress of all the above last night, I didn't go find anything to eat at all. After dinner (which wasn't very good) I ate nothing, although I am often an emotional eater. YAY!

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

My absolutely favorite time of year is right now. I love making lists for gifts to buy or make for my family members, for when else can I really spoil my husband?

But more importantly, preparing for the real reason that Christmas is. In the catholic church, we are encouraged to listen to advent music during advent. Advent is the season which prepares us for the coming of the baby Jesus on Christmas. The songs of Advent are truly beautiful, and are about awaiting the coming of baby Jesus. It has such beautiful meaning. Some include: 'O come, o come Emanuel.' Can't miss the meaning there. Also there are 'Come thou long expected Jesus', 'The King of Glory', and 'For You O Lord, My Soul in Stillness waits'. All a continuous theme.

At Christmas time, there is nothing I look forward to more than being with those I love. I like cold weather and snow, or just cold that makes everyone bundle up. I enjoy decorating my house in bright colors. I love this entire next month!

Oh, and as a sidenote, I weighed myself yesterday (Sunday) for my regular weigh-in day and my weight is down 0.2#. Whoohoo!!! On Thanksgiving, I ate so slowly that everyone at the table was finished and halfway done with dessert by the time I finished the food on my plate. I know I ate more than I would have, had I measured, but I just eyeballed it, and was comfortably full at the end of the meal. I even had pie.

I've never gained more weight over the holidays than any other time of the year (mostly because I don't like sweets or cake or cookies), so when I make them, I often give them away to other people. But nonetheless, I lost a little weight, and I'm very happy about that!

New Year's Resolutions? Bah humbug!

I was talking to my husband last night, and I told him I want an exercise or recumbent bike. He says we’ll look in February. I was confused about why February, and he said “because traditionally, people give up on their exercising (Resolution) in the middle or the end of January, and by February are selling their new exercise equipment.

I had never thought about it before. I know that people give up on their “new year’s resolutions” shortly into the new year, but it’s sad to me that it’s so predictable that people like my husband know when to go shopping for exercise equipment. Which made me think. My resolution started in September. And it’s continued for a little over 2 months now. The thing about a “new year’s resolution” is that every 365 days, there’s a new year. Which means that it ends. Every year. And restarts. EVERY year. And most people have no problem giving up for the rest of the year, after all, “there’s always next January”.

I have to say, (while I’m in the Thankful mood), I’m thankful that I’ve never set a new year’s resolution to lose weight before. Because I think I would've failed. I’m also thankful I’ve never dieted. The thought of dieting and losing a lot of weight, and then gaining it all back, and then some, makes me leery. I know that if I lost the weight I’ve packed on all these years, and then gained it again and again and again, my family would never stop harping on me.

Right now, they haven’t noticed that I’ve lost 15 pounds (which I’m thankful for), and I’ve only told my husband and roommate, one sister and a cousin. The few people who I know won’t pressure me about anything. They don’t ask how much weight I’ve lost, because they know I would feel pressured, and the stress of that would make me give up and eat. So, when I hit a new low, or something that makes me proud, I tell them, and they congratulate me, and move on. I can’t say how much I appreciate that.

But, is that why people stop in February? They felt pressured by themselves or family? I hate to say it, but even jumping into exercise and healthy eating without preparation would feel like pressure to me. It’s a pressure of sorts to have to make time in your schedule for exercise or food preparation. There are soo many places that this pressure comes from, it’s no wonder exercise equipment can be bought cheap in February. I’d probably give up too, if I jumped in that way.

Such a short weekend

I have to say. I love the weekends! My husband and I actually get to sleep in together and then spend the whole day together. It always seems like it goes soo fast though. I felt like it was Friday and then it was Sunday night. Ugh!

In weighing myself yesterday, I was at 300.6 Lbs. Which is up 2.2 pounds from last week. I think it's very possible that I was closer to last week's weight, but Jeff and I went out for lunch yesterday, and it was quite a salty meal. Then last night, I felt so dehydrated I was drinking a ton of water. So I'd bet that water retention is more my problem than eating too much, especially since I ate well for 5 of the last 7 days! I think I'd like to weigh myself a couple of times this week though, just to see if I can pick up a pattern. I'd like to see if I go down from PMS time too, which was also this weekend. It'd be interesting to recognize.

Random

I am feeling very proud of myself. While I haven't tracked my calories in my notebook for the last 9 or 10 days, I've been consistently on SP. And out of the last 7 days, I stayed within my calorie limit for five of those days. One day I went waaay over (which had been surprising, because I'd been paying attention) and one day I only went a little over. That's the best I've done to this point. It's usually been 3 or 4 days a week I stay in my calories. So I'm feeling quite proud!

Lately, I've been looking up ways to garden in the wintertime. In the Summer, we grow a number of our own vegetables and can them. Unfortunately, this last summer we just didn't do a very good job, so our canned foods is pretty low. I'm thinking of getting one of those kiddie pools, you know the ones that're aa circle and about 6 or 7 feet across.

We have a garage that we're not able to park in (thanks to the people who put the well right in front of it), and we mostly just store stuff there. So it'd be the perfect place to put one of those pools. It has a huge window that I could open for circulation. I'd have to get a heat lamp and a timer and the dirt and minerals. I think it's a positive idea, and for me, less overwhelming than a huge garden. And we'd have the bonus of having free vegetables over the winter that we wouldn't have to buy. The positives just keep stacking up! :) Definitely worth more consideration.

Lame!

Kind of a lame day. Period started. It's difficult to NOT hope each cycle that I'm pregnant. I don't want to lose all hope and become a cynic though. Hopefully I'll be able to find that happy medium soon.

I finally got Jeff to write out a christmas list for me, so I can do my research and get him alot of what he wants. I added a few extras on it, sorted by type of present, and found prices for everything. Now I just have to find out how much money I get to spend on him, and I can narrow it down more. I love giving gifts at Christmas time!!! It's so much fun for me. Getting them is alot of fun too though! A couple of years ago, before my brother-in-law married my sister, he was at our house for Christmas morning, and (I have a large family) our tradition is to pass out the gifts and after they're all sorted, then we go around the room and each person gets to open one at a time.

It's lots of fun, unless one person gets waay less gifts than everyone else. As I had that year. I think I got 2 or 3, and everyone else had about 10, so after the first couple of rounds, everyone else gets to keep on going and they'd get to me and skip me again and again and again. Made me feel kind of left out. And then even more left out when my BIL gave EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THAT ROOM a gift, except me. I really hate that. Luckily I like him, so It's not a huge deal, just something that I think people should pay attention to avoid.

Then every other year (since I married Jeff) we drive to Eastern Oregon to spend the week with his family (if we can get there. The weather's been crazy the last few years) and the first year, we had just gotten engaged a month and a half before. We weren't sure what to do in regards to opening our gifts, since we were spending our Christmas with everyone else in Boise. So we brought them out. And got several sarcastic comments from a couple of famiy members because we had "too much" (Jeff got me alot that year).

We drive to my MIL and FIL's house in eastern oregon on Christmas Eve. And on Christmas day drive to Boise and stay overnight there. So we decided that, this year, we'd bring our presents with us and save them until Christmas night when we get back to our room to open them by ourselves. Which will be really nice. At the same time, it often occurs to me that it seems kind of dumb to wrap our gifts here at home, and then drive them 350 miles to the other side of the state where we will open them, and then drive them 350 miles home again a week later. But, it doesn't feel Christmas-y to not open gifts.

Still quivering...

from the excitement of my current weight.

Anyways, on to other matters. We had a really nasty storm last night. Jeff and I were sitting in the living room watching TV and our windows were, not rattling since they're new, but I could see the glass bending in and out. Kind of creepy, and a little scary that the wind might blow them in.

And in driving home from work last night, (in my tiny Toyota Corolla) my car was blowing all over the road. Pretty bad. I feel really unsafe in my car in weather like that. I should've driven his car; it's heavier. I swear, a tank could run it over and you wouldn't feel a thing!

Over the summer, Jeff and I planted our garden with lots of veggies, and then I canned them as they produced. It's really nice having that extra food around, especially since we over spent this month, and aren't able to go shopping for groceries except the basics like milk. So we've been lucky. We obviously have plenty of food around, which I appreciate. If for no other reason than that we can't make it to the store some day, we will be able to eat. And, bonus!, it'll be healthy!

A few months ago that Jeff and I had made a bet of sorts (after I'd already decided my time had come to get healthy). The bet was whoever lost the most weight in 6 months (ending February 1st), would get $200 to do whatever they wanted with. Well, I've lost 15 pounds in the last 2 or so months, and been working hard at it. And he's been doing nothing. When we talked about it the other night, he said that he's just going to cut out all sweets after December and lose more than I do.

Now, while it woul be nice for him to lose weight, and he would, he wouldn't be losing it to be healthier. He'd be losing it to win a bet, and he'd probably go right back to his old eating habits. The worst part is that he probably will beat me because he loses weight so fast. It kind of makes me mad because here I am, working hard at being more healthy, and losing weight (the money's a perk too, but not as big a motivator) and he'll beat me after trying for one month. UGH!!! Men!

Goal met!

I did my weekly weigh-in this week this afternoon, and weighed in at 298.6 pounds!

The exciting part for me is that a week or so ago, I set a goal to be below 300 pounds by Thanksgiving day, and I have a week and a half until then! So now, I'm resetting my goal. I'm aiming on being below 295 pounds by December 1st, adjustable, of course, by how I do between now and then. Whoo hoo!!!!!

A new niece

My sister went into labor today at 11:30 and had her first daughter at 3:17PM. Her name is Sienna Catherine. She was 7lbs, 12 oz and her little head is covered with dark hair. Absolutely beautiful! My sister and brother-in-law had asked me if I wanted to be there, which I did, so I left work early. I have to say that it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Her midwives forgot to take pictures, so I was running around with the camera and took (apparently) around 150 pictures. A ton of really good ones! I was in awe. I truly was. I'm still kind of speechless. I don't know how to describe it, but it was really beautiful. I hope we get to experience that in our future.

Crazy days!

My sister is going to have a baby. She was due on the 2nd of November, but regularly runs 2-3 weeks over. She asked me if I wanted to come with them when she did, so she's keeping me informed about what's going on. Last night, she sent me a text at 5pm telling me she was having contractions. They weren't progressing yet, but be forewarned. Then at 8, she said they were the same. So I kept my phone on the loudest I could all night so I'd hear when they called.

I slept like crap because I kept thinking about it. Go figure. And my new phone (a blackberry pearl) is pissing me off because the woman at the store set it with my email address. So everytime I get an email, it also sends to my phone, but I couldn't turn that off because Lisa was texting me too. So before I went to bed last night, I went online and changed a good number of my email subscriptions which lessened the amount of email that I got. Not too bad, but I still got several emails. UGH.

Anyways, she told me at midnight that they were planning on going in at 2:30. Then at 2, she told me that the contractions and everything had stopped so they weren't going in. So she hasn't had the baby yet... I have a feeling she'll be going in the next few hours, so I'll be leaving work to go as well. And if anyone tells you Murphy's law is a hoax, it's not. My dear friend's funeral is today at 4 o'clock. And if I leave here for the baby, I doubt I'll be making it to the funeral, which makes me really sad.

Yesterday, I stayed well within my calorie limit, even below actually, but I felt comfortable with that. I wasn't hungry, and didn't want to eat more. And I did what I was able to of two exercise videos.

Nothing so delicious as the taste of success.

There's something nice about feeling successful. Yesterday, I did well with my calories; I clocked-in at 1671, which was just perfect. And with my new pedometer (it also tells me how many calories I burned; SO COOL!) I walked a little over 3,000 steps.

Jeff and I went to a track a few months ago, and I tracked my steps for 1 mile, and it was aproximately 2,112 steps. So I did about a mile and a half, but that doesn't count the morning, because i didn't put it on until noon. I also walked a 10-minute mile on my treadmill. That took some motivation, but I did it. So it's definitely a good start.

I've been tracking our budget for the past several months, with every dollar accounted for somewhere. Then when I got paid on the first, we didn't pay attention to our budget (stupid), and went out to eat several times, and went to the beach overnight once, and spent quite a bit on food. But we didn't know how much until we got home and I separated everything out.

We (somehow) spent over $200 on meals. For 11 days. How does that happen? I mean, I know there were a few meals that were sit down's and those always cost 20-30, but I just find it unbelieveable, and slightly embarrassing that we went so over the top. So now, we're pretty much running a tight ship for the rest of the month. We'll see how that goes. The positive part of that is we won't be eating out!!!... Because we don't have any money!!!!!

Still trying to get back on track

I've still been falling off the wagon a bit lately. Last week, I only tracked my calories on one day. I guess I got lazy. But I found my notebook again, and I started tracking again, first thing this morning.

One thing I need to work on is that I still don't have a handle on restaurant ordering. I could be doing a lot better. I think the problem for me is the darn menu. I can go into a place with my whole meal plan already worked out and decided. But then I get the menu and all of a sudden, a whole world of food opens up in front of me. I think maybe one of my goals for awhile will be to have Jeff help me work on that. I think if he gently reminds me not to look at the menu, I'll get into the habit of it.

I weighed in yesterday, and I'm down 3 pounds from last week! YAY! I don't actually know how, except that I did move around quite a bit more than before; don't get me wrong, I didn't intentionally work out, I just happened to move around more. Definitely something else to work on. I haven't made myself actually get motivated and exercise for a bit, so it's time to buckle down. I got a new pedometer (my old one broke) and will start using that. I can work on getting more steps in, and I think that may be the best way for me to go for now. Once I'm in the habit of gettting 10,000 steps each day, we'll see what I can work in. I decided to set a goal for myself; I am so close to being under 300 Lbs., I can almost taste it. So my new short-term goal is to be under 300 Lbs by Thanksgiving. That gives me 2 1/2 weeks. Which I think is do-able.

Wish me motivation!

A tough year

On Wednesday night, a good friend of mine had a stroke, and (the doctors said) hemorrhaged in her brain and was brain dead for 11 hours, before she passed away on Thursday morning, while the sisters were singing Amazing Grace in the chapel. She's a catholic sister, (84), and had been with her convent for about 64 years. A wonderful and kind person, I think she knew it was coming, even subconsciously.

She had very recently finished a big project that would've been tough for someone else to finish up; she was feverishly cleaning her room that same day; and she sent out her Christmas letters less than a week ago. I had a couple of people call and ask to speak to her, because they had just gotten her Christmas letter. I had to tell them that she had passed away. And in a way, it was like she was preparing for her death.

So needless to say, I didn't do very good calorie-wise yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I actually stayed within my calories (even got lunch at a fast food place), and did some small exercises. But it was a very tough day for me. You see, this year, there have been 3 people that I felt close to, who have died. One of heart problems, (not sudden, and somewhat expected); an ex-boyfriend who was still a friend committed suicide at the beginning of this year; and the one who died yesterday. While I've experienced death in my life, these are the first where I felt close to the person. I think that I've dealt with them well, but for some reason, the ex-boyfriend is constantly on my mind.

I don't know if it's because I feel like I could have done something, or I miss him, I don't know. It really frustrates me, because, even if he was alive, I shouldn't/wouldn't be thinking about him like I am. I seem to be thinking about the things we did, things I consider now inappropriate and wrong, and especially since I'm married now, almost as if I'm being unfaithful to my husband by thinking about them. I regret the things that I did with the ex. But I still can't seem to get him out of my mind.

Don't beat yourself up!

I am still struggling with ordering the right food choices for me when my DH and I go out to eat. I knew the right things to do, and went through the menu finding the healthy choices for me. But the whole problem is that, no matter how much I prepare myself ahead of time, I still don't want the healthy food. I want the fatty baked potato soup, and the panini sandwich and the fries.

In looking back on last night, my best food choices last night were that I drank water instead of soda or the hot cocoa I was considering briefly, and I only ate half the fries, and took some of the meat out of the sandwich. (Although Panini is very thin and I wonder if it has less calories than bread?). After we got home, my tummy started to let me know it didn't like what I had eaten.

I was standing outside berating myself, when I suddenly became aware that I was beating myself over something that was over and done with. I made myself stop and think of one thing to give myself credit for. That would be the water I drank. I don't normally order a drink other than water, as I don't like soda or most sugary drinks, so I probably would've ordered water anyways, but I'm going to count that as a positive for last night.

And all day, yesterday, everytime I got cold at my desk, I did 20 wall push-ups. In the whole day, I think I did 80-100, and last night, my arms were slightly sore, which is a good thing. Lately I haven't been exercising, like I know I should be. So even getting in this small bit is good. I also did 10 of those exercises (Bob Harper on Biggest Loser showed them during a commercial break awhile back) (I love Bob Harper!!!!!) where you go down into a slight squat, and then stand up straight on your toes and push your arms above your head. It's a very smooth exercise that, I can guarantee, works. His suggestion when he demonstrated it was to do it during commercial breaks so you're getting some kind of exercise in.

So I did.

For a one hour show, and the breaks were approximately 3-5 minutes long. And the next day, I was so sore, I could barely get down the stairs at work. I had to lean into the rail and let one leg down and then swing the other way and let the other leg down. LOL. When I was doing the exercises, it didn't feel like there was THAT MUCH of an impact, but the next day, I knew. So I'm just going to do one or two sets of ten on that one for awhile until my muscles are stronger.

Oh donuts! How you ruin me!

Yesterday, I did really well. I stayed within my calories, though just slightly under. Then, my cousin (and husbands best friend) stopped by to drop off a small box of donuts from his work. He's of the mind that you shouldn't waste those things, and his work throws away about 3 or 4 boxes each evening. So he takes them home, or gives them to people.

I couldn't resist the maple bar! Luckily, it only pushed my calories over my limit by about 175 calories, but wow! I mean, I resisted the temptation for a whole two hours, and I know I should've put the box in the corner of the kitchen where I wouldn't see (or smell) it every time I walked by. Then, when I picked it up, I told myself I would only eat half of it, but that really only works for me if I immediately cut it in half and put the other half away. I've got these tricks; I just keep forgetting or forgoing them. I'm going to have to work on that though

Off track

I'm back to 305.6 pounds. After last week, where I actually showed my weight just under 300, the rest of the week had been around 303. And then came the Halloween party, and the baby shower. (I only had a small piece of cake though; it was too rich for me), I still showed a gain. But I have a feeling that it'll be back to normal this week. I was moving around a ton for the last 3 days, so it's not like I've been inactive. I just have to start working harder toward my goal.

In the past, I'd always say, Oh I'm gonna lose weight by (fill in the blank): ______ (i.e. my prom, sisters wedding, christmas, Easter, Halloween, my wedding, etc.) I never did it though. I never even tried. I just wanted to be thin, but it'd be I'll start on Monday, or next week, or tomorrow, or on the first day of the new year. I was never motivated enough. I've been having those thoughts again; "I want to lose weight by Christmas, so my brother in law won't be able to accuse me or my husband of being fat-a**es", and taking and eating his cookies or peanuts again. But there's a reason for that feeling, not that it makes it ok, but there is a reason.

This August, we went on a family trip to the beach (with my husband's family); everyone came over from Arizona, Idaho and eastern Oregon. We live in Western Oregon, so it's only an hour for us. Anyways, the second night we were there, Jeff's brother accused both Jeff and I of being fat-as*es, and cheap-as*es (we're poor. What'd you expect?) And then to go so far as saying that we hadn't pitched anything in for the week. We hadn't. We ate out every meal we were there for, and didn't snack at all. We went Thursday through Sunday, and despite all the goodies they left around the house, neither of us snacked on anything. No cookies, no peanuts. But he didn't believe that, because we're fat. I guess according to him, we can't help ourselves.

It made me so mad, and now uncomfortable, because we're going back to the parents-in-law for Christmas, and we would normally stay with that brother. Jeff & I agreed that we would get a hotel room before staying at their house again. We both felt like they'd be cataloguing every bite of food we put into our mouthes, and epecting some kind of payment for letting us stay at their house. AHHH, awkward! I'm still peeved about it. Jeff forgave his brother, and they're on slightly better terms now, but all I see is everyone excusing his poor behavior "Oh, that's just X being X". So ridiculous. So it'll probably be awhile before I get over it, but in a way, that trip was an eye-opener for us. We could see what his brother thought/thinks of us, and make arrangements to work around it, so if we feel uncomfortable, we know what to expect, and to leave if necessary.

Makes me sad, but I'm madder about than sad right now. But that's why I worry. When we got back from the beach, the first thing we both said is "we should lose a bunch of weight and show them!" Which is totally the wrong reason to lose weight. Not to mention that when the weight came back on, we'd look stupid. So, now that I can see what I'm doing wrong, attitude-wise in regards to Christmas, I'm hoping that I can straighten back out and lose weight for the right reason.

Interesting idea

I recently read a blog about a woman named Tosca Reno who lost a ton of weight by eating clean. The idea appeals to me. While I do still eat fast food, I do count my calories, and often times will work that in. But I know that there's a large amount of additives and preservatives in those things. Things that aren't in fruit, vegetables, whole grains, etc.

From doing a little research, it sounds like it's alot of work, but then there's the consideration that if I was eating natural foods, my body would be getting the nutrients it needs to function just right, and the weight would come off way easier. I'm still tossing it around in my mind a bit. I got paid today, so we could get a bunch of veggies. I'm probably more worried that a large amount of them would go to waste, because they never look appealing to me when I'm hungry.
I'll have to work on what will work for me, because I really like the idea of eating that way. Not to mention the weight loss part.

My DH and I are having a Halloween party tonight. I made a point of only preparing a few things, food-wise, so I won't have too much to choose from. I also kept close track of my calories today so I know how much I can eat. We got some mini meatballs, and I made a sweet and sour sauce to go over it. I made chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting (good for me, because I'm mostly not a huge fan of chocolate, so I might eat one, but then I'll be good for a long time). And a vegetable platter. Did you know you can save about $10 by buying the veggies in their normal state, and then just cutting them to size? Those already prepared platters cost around $16-20. Way too much for me, especially when it took me a whole 20 minutes to cut it all up last night. Oh, and the pop, but I'm not a big pop drinker either, so that should be fine. Barely any carbs. :) Yes! I think I can do it!!!

My poor hubby!

My husband has the flu. Poor guy was up most of the night throwing up. I woke up last night at nearly 1 when I heard him (he's not quiet) and stood there at the foot of the bed, trying to think about what you're supposed to do when you have the flu, which turned into about 5 wasted minutes because I'd taken something to sleep, and couldn't seem to grasp "the flu".

So I went back to bed. (His suggestion since there wasn't much I could've done anyways). So this morning before I left, I made him some chamomile tea (I couldn't find the mint) and set out some chicken broth for him to heat up and sip if he gets hungry, and some pills that are supposed to help with nausea and vomiting. And then I had to leave for work. :(

There's almost nothing sadder than having to leave your very sick hubby all by himself while you go to work. I think I'd rather have stayed with him. On a side note, I just know he's gonna lose like 15 pounds in the next week and be ahead of me again. Well, he better get over it soon.

He's supposed to start school next Tuesday, and he can't miss any days because of sickness. That's why he had to stop last term; he missed a whole week because of the flu, and he missed 4 clinicals (which you can't miss, no matter what). Which is ridiculous, because I'm pretty sure they didn't want him making the old people sick. But oh well. He stopped for the remainder of the term, and now it's time for him to go back. Thank goodness!

I just want to sleep!

For the last couple of weeks, I've been sleeping pretty poorly, as in not falling asleep until 12:30 (I try to be in bed before 11:30) and waking up throughout the night, or tossing and turning. For awhile, I had been taking a Lunesta to help, but then it seemed it stopped working, so I stopped taking them and made myself go without them (which means staying up later into the night).

Then I took Melatonin for awhile, but again, I went through a phase where it stopped working, so I stopped taking it. I seem to go back and forth through these weird phases, where I sleep fine without anything, then for a few days I need to take something. Lately, neither have been working by themself, so I've been taking them both.

Which seems to work great, I fall asleep fast, and sleep through the entire night, but in the morning, I'm finding myself groggy. Even though I'm getting about 8 hours of sleep. It's driving me crazy!!! I just want to sleep! I'm sure I'll be right back to sleeping fine without anything in a week, but until then, I just have to drug myself. Ugh

Grabbing the wagon with both hands

I've been noticing I've been off the wagon a bit. It started out unintentionally however. I worked a part-time job over the weekend, Saturday morning to Sunday evening, and I forgot my notebook to track my calories, and I also had no internet access there. So I was trying to eat well, Soup and a sandwich for lunch, a bowl of pasta for dinner, etc. And then my client went to bed, and I was missing my hubby, and I was bored and there was nothing on tv, and so I ordered a pizza.

When I went out to stand and wait for the delivery person (the house was hard to find) I kept telling myself that pizza was the wrong choice. I should be in the house riding the recumbent bike. But I took the pizza. And went in and sat on the couch and ate half of it, before finding myself feeling a little disgusted and a lot sick.

Obviously, my body is not used to that abuse anymore, so I put the rest of it away, and forgot about it for the night. Unfortunately, I still never got on the bike. Well, I got on it, but the seat was really far up, and I didn't feel comfortable moving it, just in case I got it wrong on the way back. (It belongs to the elderly woman I watch, and she's very particular, and I'm afraid if I messed it up, she'd be pretty upset.)

So I'm trying again to keep my food in track. I have still been weighing myself and my weight is still doing fine. I was afraid it'd shoot up after my binge. I've been consistently between 300 and 304 Lbs. I just know that if I buckled down, I'd be in the 290's before I know it. I'm just having a tough time doing that. I think now that I've seen and know what I did, and am writing it down in a blog, it will help me get motivated.

Stop whining, I beg you!

My husband is a wonderful man. He loves me for everything that I am, and rarely sabotages me in my weight loss efforts. He's trying to lose weight too. He loves my nephews, and is fantastic with kids. He understands me, and how I tick. Ask me about vitamin B50. LOL.

But I've gotta say, he's not good about bearing pain. He hurt his back last week (we found out last night that he sprained his shoulder, probably throwing the ball for our dog), and I come home from work and sit there, listening to him sigh. Like an "I want attention" sigh. I try to be more patient and compassionate toward him when he's not feeling well, particularly because my attitude has always been "you're sick, not dead" or "what, did you lose a leg somewhere". I know they sound kind of harsh, even to me. But I think it's worse when a person uses every excuse possible while sick, for not doing anything.

Even when I'm sick, I do something, unless I am so miserable, I'm unable to. Yet the list of excuses he makes up is unbelievable sometimes. I want him to stand up and have a little work ethic. A little bit of pride in what he does for himself and for us. But he lacks confidence badly, and it comes out in so many ways. Nonetheless, I do care when he is sick (unfortunately, as it happens, he doesn't think so, particularly last night). I make him tea, and rub Icy/Hot on his back and shoulder, and heat up his woobie. I try to take care of him, but it doesn't seem to come across to him as caring on my part.

This is going to be something we're going to have to work on for the rest of our lives. I hope at some point, he's able to have more confidence in himself and pride in his work. That's all I'm asking. And now that I'm done venting a little, the positive side of me doing things to care for him is that I'm getting more exercise by going back to the bedroom for him about 10 times a night, especially since it's on the other end of the house.

I walked into the small kitchenette we have at work today, and right there, next to the microwave was a cart whose entire top shelf was covered with muffins and pastries and all good things. I was eyeballing them, as I put my lunch into the microwave, and then after pressing start, turned to face them on.

As I sat there, feeling the drool pooling in my mouth, I told myself that just "one quarter" of one of those muffins has about 200 calories. Which, while I am easily in my calorie count so far today, would have likely made me go over in my carbs. So I turned away, and completely forgot about them until I walked out of there. Whoo hoo!

I have just seen a small semblance of my self-control!!! I always thought I just didn't have any. And, although I won't count it on my official weigh in page, I weighed myself this morning, and the scale, that wonderful and magical machine, said that I weighed 299.4! Again, I won't put it into my official count, but I've been weighing myself morning and night for the last week, and there's definitely a positive down slope. Awesome! Maybe by my next Sunday weigh-in, I'll be less than 300 pounds. I'm so looking forward to it!

Weigh-in

I've been weighing myself all week, to get a general idea of how my weight is going, and I've been down between 301 and 305 consistently! And when I "officially" weighed myself yesterday, my weight was 303.4 pounds! WHOO HOO!!! I've lost 10 pounds so far!

Last week was the most successful I've had so far. While I definitely didn't stay within my calories on a number of days, I made sure to exercise and keep track of my calories. So I was aware of what I was eating. Obviously, it made a difference.

On a different (unsuccessful) note, I've been feeling kind of down that another cycle passed without us getting pregnant. The weird part was that I was having several symptoms, and thought that I might actually be pregnant, unfortunatly, although AF hasn't shown up yet, my temperature has dropped down to normal yesterday and today, so AF is due any minute. Ugh! I hate that part. Another month bites the dust.

Thinking ahead

So far for the last month, a challenge for me has been tracking my foods at restaurants, and especially at restaurants on the weekend. Jeff and I are going to dinner tonight. I asked him last night so I could plan ahead.

So I've worked today to find out how many calories are in what I like to order, and how I can healthify them. And by gosh, I think I've done it! So now, the challenge will be ordering exactly what I wrote down, and making sure to have things removed. It's astonishing, but a hot sandwich at a sit down restaurant has about 3 times as many calories as a cheeseburger at McDonalds (blech!).

The sandwich actually started out around 1,000 calories. But I worked it down to just above 600, which includes only half the bread, no mayo, only 1 slice of cheese and the meats. Hmm, after reading that, maybe I should go revamp it again. It still seems a little high. Thank goodness I got on to blog!

Re-do

Well, I re-did the calorie count for dinner last night, on the restaurant's website, and saved myself about 350 calories. Better, but still not good. So I am determined to eat dinner tonight and keep my calories beneath the limit. This is frustrating, but at the same time, my spirits aren't flagging! I'm still pretty positive about the change and that it's for the rest of my life. That's all that matters!

Ugh, it's so darn sneaky!

Jeff and I went to dinner tonight. And I was very aware of what I was eating and what was in it. After we went home, I got online and tracked my calories.

My husbands burger had (according to calorieking.com) had 1,052 calories, and my chicken wrap (part of the tortilla which I didn't eat) had 1,526 calories!!! How does that work?!?

I should've just gotten the burger. Here I was, aware and trying soo hard to make better choices and I got completely sabotaged! AhhhHHHHHhhHHHH!!!!!!!! I'll do better next time.

Well, this weekend was really bad. I tried and kept myself aware of what I put into my mouth, but at the same time, I couldn't seem to resist it. Like an other-worldly experience, eating something that I know I shouldn't be.

None-the-less, I lost 2.4 pounds in that week. YAY! It was funny because during the week, I weighed myself once, and it said 304, which would've been a huge loss, but I think it was maybe the normal fluctuations that seem to happen, so while it looked really nice, down there between my feet, I decided to discount it, and not write it down. I'm really only weighing on Sundays anyways. Another thing, I weighed myself last night and it said 303. Weird. Maybe I drop during the week, but my weekends make me gain. Hmmm. Now that I think of it, that could be true. I might try weighing myself daily for a couple of weeks. I don't seem to obsess when I do, but it would give that same down swing that I'm getting by the weekly weigh ins.

Thanks for the great idea Laura! Let's see if i can remember to do it now. In the mornings, I'm usually barely awake. But I could try the evenings too. We'll see.

I'm still sick!!!

Luckily I only caught a cold. I had a sore throat on Friday and Saturday and a runny nose Sunday and today. I ended up not exercising on Sunday because I really felt crappy. But on Saturday, Jeff and I went out to the corn maze and spent about 2 hours walking around it, looking for the punches to get a prize at the end.

Unfortunately, it was night time and I only got 2 of them, but I walked steadily for 2 hours. I usually enter my fitness minutes into Sparkpeople, but I wasn't sure how to enter that into my fitness reports, since I wasn't tracking the distance or anything, but in the end, I picked the slowest mile (24min/mile) and put that down for 2 hours.

I was trying to be as realistic as possible, but at the same time, I also try to overestimate (not underestimate) calories, so I don't go over them, and underestimate my fitness, so I don't have a blown up idea of how much I actually did. If I wasn't trying to underestimate it, I'd probably have chosen a 17-20 minute mile because we were moving quite fast. But I want to be as accurate as possible, and I think, for myself, that's the best way.

I hate being sick

I swear, my immune system used to be really strong... Until I married my husband. He gets sick all the time; sinus infections, bronchitis, strep throat, pleurisy, etc., etc., etc. And in the last year, I've gotten sick too many times to count. And last night, my throat started getting sore, and then my sinuses started doing their thing, and this morning, I don't sound (or feel) too hot.

Seriously, I was just sick three weeks ago! Why now?!? But I still exercised last night, just not as hard as I do when I'm not sick. I didn't do the kicks and sidesteps and knee lifts. I just walked. Which, I've gotta say, is really boring. But I didn't feel very strong. I felt like kicking my legs would have taken enormous effort, which I didn't want to make. But I still walked two miles.

This weekend, it's my goal to journal both days, and track what I'm eating both days, and to get on Sparkpeople both days. AND I get to weigh myself on Sunday! (The scale was sitting on the bathroom floor yesterday, and it was taunting me! Kept telling me to weigh myself because I've been really good this week, and I couldn't resist the temptation. So I weighed myself and things are looking very positive, but I won't "officially" let it out until Monday.

Progress

Over the last 3 weeks, I've been doing pretty well. And the areas where I haven't, I have at least discovered that I haven't, and can make changes.

I haven't hit that hill yet, that everyone seems to hit right at the beginning of their weight loss journey. I'm not anticipating it, yet at the same time, by continuing to journal and keep track of my calories, I'm preparing myself to do battle, to make it through and over that hill and onto the next one.

I've woken up every day still positive about what I'm doing. I have such big dreams, but none work with a big me. So that needs to change.

Those cheapskates!

I went to Taco Bell tonight. I know, not the healthiest of choices, but I picked things that were better for me than others. And I ordered their "vegetable medley" which is actually quite yummy; it normally comes with their fish plates.

Well, when I got it, it didn't even fill the container half way. When I got home, I measured it to see, and they gave me less than half a cup of vegetables!!! I paid $1.59 for vegetables in a container half full, when I could've got the entire heaped container of deep fried cheesy potatoes for $1.19. Seriously, you try to make better choices, and they charge you 40 cents more for less than half. Wow.

Where's my tapemeasure?!?!?

I couldn't find my sewing box last night (Jeff tends to move things when he cleans) so I didn't have a tapemeasure to do my measurements.

I'll print one off the web today and tape it together for now. Something is better than nothing. Yesterday, I walked 2 miles with Leslie! AND I stayed under my calorie limit. YAY! I realize it was just Monday, and that could be why I stayed so on track, but I'm determined to see this through the weekends

The weekend was...

Well, the wedding was really nice. The reception was very interesting, and my dress soo cute! Luckily they only served sandwiches, fruit, and pasta salad, although i still went over on my calories.

I've been tracking them in my journal, along with my calorie budget, and I'm beginning to see a pattern. I do really well eating and staying under my calorie limit for the first 2-5 days of the week, but then towards the end, I go over a bit. So now that I see it, that'll be what I work on next. I also haven't been journaling over the weekend, since we're usually out and about, but I'll have to work on that too.

Now, for the good news, Jeff and I got a digital scale on Sunday, and weighed ourselves. I have lost 1.2 pounds since the last time I weighed myself, YAY! And Jeff has lost 6 pounds since he was last weighed. He was pretty sick in between then and now, and that could be why, but he seemed a little motivated by it, which is great! This pound is the first pound I've ever lost in my life by dieting. I was deathly sick about 5 years ago, and lost 24 pounds in 19 days in the hospital, but I don't count that.

Firstly because I was barely eating anything (mostly soft foods and liquids), and then because I wasn't trying to lose weight, and it jumped right back on my butt. But now that I've seen a tiny bit of progress, I know I'm doing something right! So I'm planning to weigh myself on Sundays only (so I don't focus on that too much) and measure myself as well, which I should do today to get a baseline

Plans

I did exercise last night. I started with Chalene Johnson where she teaches the basic steps, but they do this thing where they pull in their abs, and then pull in their butt, and my lower back is sore this morning. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I have very good posture normally, and the only time I get a little relief from the soreness is when I bend forward a little bit. So I only got through about 3 steps before I gave up for now, and walked 2 miles with Leslie Sansone! It was definitely a workout and a bit of a push since they're only 17 minute miles, and I felt like I was going forever! I wanted to quit at 1, but pushed myself to go 2. So I'm very proud this morning.

I'm going to do that again tonight. Now that the weekend is nearly here, I'm going to work on staying within my calorie budget again. We have a wedding to go to tomorrow (Disney themed, if you can believe it) and I don't know how that will go. I suppose the positive part is that it's at noon, and since we have to be there a little early, I'll eat breakfast, and then the reception will be my lunch and snack. I should be able to do it. I just won't be able to bring my notebook with me and log in all I eat.

We went shopping on Wednesday for a new dress for me. Went to Fashion Bug and tried on about 10 dresses, and they looked horrible! They all seemed to catch on my stomach roll and then hang there watching me as if to say look at your stomach! Then we went to Ross and I found about 5 there to try on. I must say, this season's dresses are definitely shorter than I would normally go with. But I found the perfect dress for me! It's all black, knee length but a little longer in the back, thick straps, and the bodice (the part over my boobs) is straight across and ruched. So no cleavage! Then there's this neat beaded design just under my boobs, at the high waistline. I'm going to wear it with my small black bolero jacket (which will make my arms look better) and some adorable 4 inch heels (if my feet don't swell up, but just in case I'm bringing an extra comfy pair).

I'm really looking forward to it, especially since the bride has been my friend since we were 6 years-old, and the groom has been my sister and brother-in-law's friend for about 5 years (he's my nephew's godfather) and she and I helped to set them up. This is the second couple that I've had a hand in setting up and then them getting married. Pretty neat!

Working out

I was exploring around Sparkpeople the other day and found a cool page where they compare the calories you've eaten to your BMR (or the calories my body burns each day). While I certainly don't intend to focus on that, it made me feel even more positive.

A year ago, even a month ago, I know that if I'd been tracking my calories, I would have gone over my BMR (2640 calories) almost daily. After all, I got where I'm at somehow. But in looking at the last 2 weeks (the entire time I've been on Sparkpeople), I have only gone over my BMR 1 time. ONE TIME!!!!!

I give myself credit for making a difference for myself. That means that I've burned more calories than I've been giving myself credit for! YAY!!! I've also decided that I am going to start working out. I'm going to do some Leslie Sansone walking (maybe 2+ miles each day), or I just bought Chalene Johnson's Beach body workout video. It just looks alot like dancing around which I can do. So I'll be starting small, just 10 days. But after that, who knows?!? I might do a 15 day stretch.

2 for 2

Last week, I stayed within my calorie limit for 3 out of 7 days, though for two other days, I was still below my BMR, so I give myself credit for that. This week, (2 days in), I've been within my calorie limit by a good amount. I'm feeling very positive, and confident that I'll be able to keep my healthier habits going. I am more aware of what and how much I'm eating, and it makes me proud that I've put this effort forward.

I can survive!

I found my notebook!!! So I have it right next to me, to write down every bite I eat.

And points to me; a co-worker just came into my office and offered me a banana muffin, which I politely refused. :) YAY! I'm feeling proud! And last night I did an exercise video with the ball, despite my husband having planned dinner with my family. I made him wait while I did the 10 minute exercises and took a shower. Even more credit. I'm on day 13, but am still motivated and feeling positive. I feel like I will succeed!

Soo, still reaching for my goals

A few days ago, before the weekend, I decided that I needed to make more effort in counting my calories during the weekend, and tracking my foods. I did get on on Saturday, but not on Sunday. So that one was only 50%.

Unfortunately, I lost my notebook where I keep track of everything I eat during the day, (and input it later). So I've been writing it all down on little note cards, or receipts, or paper I find in my car, but then I lose them. Hmmm, maybe I need a new system. :)

So, because of alot of culminating events, I did pretty poorly this weekend. In particular Friday night and Saturday. Jeff was at a bachelor party and I was lonely and I overate. And on Saturday we went out to dinner with our roommate and I'd had a really long day working, and I was so tired, I didn't want to think about what I ate, so ended up doing a little worse than originally planned. On the positive side, the sandwich I ordered wasn't very good, with a massive hunk of meat in it, so I only ate less than a quarter of it. The biggest part of that meal was fries and the fondue (best ever!!!). Back on track I go! So while tracking online today, my goal is to find my notebook AND walk or do another exercise for 30 minutes tonight.

It's the weekend! Run for your lives!!!

I've decided to add to my goal. I've discovered that the weekends are the worst for me. I'm out and about, I don't have alot of time to get onto SP, or to write in my journal, and we go out to eat more.

My goal for myself now is to take my journal with me wherever I go, and to get onto Sparkpeople at least one time per day on the weekends and input all my foods eaten. Who knows? Now that I wrote about it, I'll probably get on 4 times tomorrow. LOL.

Other than that, I've been within my caloric range for the last 4 days, though I went over (by about 50 calories) on one of them; I still count that as a good day because I still did all my tracking, wrote in my journal and paid attention to what I was eating. It just happened to be a poor food choice.

On a side note, I go back and forth between including raw vegetables and fruits on my calorie count. They're all healthy, and I get my servings, so if I don't count them in this case, I was under by a few calories. Either way, it's too close to call and I'm not going to berate myself. I've been giving myself credit for the things that I do that, in the long run, are for a better me. Have a great weekend!!!

Feeling pretty proud

In the last 2 weeks, I've definitely had my eyes opened. The first week, while I still ate less calories than my body burns in a day, I was still way over my goal. So for the last 3 days (so far) I've been below my calorie goal, but close enough that it makes me happy. I'm figuring out what works for me and what doesn't. - Eating out is bad, unless I look up what I'm going to order ahead of time. Then I stay within my limit.

I like to cruise SparkPeople several times a day. It actually seems to work as a reminder to me to make better decisions. Looking through my journal (which only has my calorie counts and my calorie budget) helps when I might forget why I'm doing this. :)

Reading people's success stories, and especially the ones who've lost over 100 pounds like I have to, keeps me motivated as well.

Packing my lunches each day discourages me from getting fast food, AND encourages me to eat more veggies, since I pack them.

My mantra is beginning to become "eat for energy", and "I want to wear a bikini". LOL, I just know I'm going to get there just fine. Just this morning, I woke up and the thought that crossed my mind is that I'll be eating healthy for the rest of my life, and keeping track of it for at least a year (or more, depending on how long it takes me), which seemed kind of daunting at the time, but when I talked to myself, it helped. It's for the good of me.

In the beginning, I was skinny...

I've been working on changing my eating habits since the beginning of 2009. I joined a group and weighed 312, and then the group disbanded, and I've been doing it on my own ever since. I haven't lost any weight so far this year, but in the 9 months since the group ended, I have only gained one pound. Having expected more like 25 or 30, I was very relieved, and even a little more motivated to start losing. I don't have the health problems that many large people experience, however, I can't seem to get pregnant and we think it's possibly because of my (and my husband's) weight. And my knee has been a little sore off and on for the past month. Yet another eye opener. So that is my goal. I want to be thin, healthy, and get pregnant.