Off track

I'm back to 305.6 pounds. After last week, where I actually showed my weight just under 300, the rest of the week had been around 303. And then came the Halloween party, and the baby shower. (I only had a small piece of cake though; it was too rich for me), I still showed a gain. But I have a feeling that it'll be back to normal this week. I was moving around a ton for the last 3 days, so it's not like I've been inactive. I just have to start working harder toward my goal.

In the past, I'd always say, Oh I'm gonna lose weight by (fill in the blank): ______ (i.e. my prom, sisters wedding, christmas, Easter, Halloween, my wedding, etc.) I never did it though. I never even tried. I just wanted to be thin, but it'd be I'll start on Monday, or next week, or tomorrow, or on the first day of the new year. I was never motivated enough. I've been having those thoughts again; "I want to lose weight by Christmas, so my brother in law won't be able to accuse me or my husband of being fat-a**es", and taking and eating his cookies or peanuts again. But there's a reason for that feeling, not that it makes it ok, but there is a reason.

This August, we went on a family trip to the beach (with my husband's family); everyone came over from Arizona, Idaho and eastern Oregon. We live in Western Oregon, so it's only an hour for us. Anyways, the second night we were there, Jeff's brother accused both Jeff and I of being fat-as*es, and cheap-as*es (we're poor. What'd you expect?) And then to go so far as saying that we hadn't pitched anything in for the week. We hadn't. We ate out every meal we were there for, and didn't snack at all. We went Thursday through Sunday, and despite all the goodies they left around the house, neither of us snacked on anything. No cookies, no peanuts. But he didn't believe that, because we're fat. I guess according to him, we can't help ourselves.

It made me so mad, and now uncomfortable, because we're going back to the parents-in-law for Christmas, and we would normally stay with that brother. Jeff & I agreed that we would get a hotel room before staying at their house again. We both felt like they'd be cataloguing every bite of food we put into our mouthes, and epecting some kind of payment for letting us stay at their house. AHHH, awkward! I'm still peeved about it. Jeff forgave his brother, and they're on slightly better terms now, but all I see is everyone excusing his poor behavior "Oh, that's just X being X". So ridiculous. So it'll probably be awhile before I get over it, but in a way, that trip was an eye-opener for us. We could see what his brother thought/thinks of us, and make arrangements to work around it, so if we feel uncomfortable, we know what to expect, and to leave if necessary.

Makes me sad, but I'm madder about than sad right now. But that's why I worry. When we got back from the beach, the first thing we both said is "we should lose a bunch of weight and show them!" Which is totally the wrong reason to lose weight. Not to mention that when the weight came back on, we'd look stupid. So, now that I can see what I'm doing wrong, attitude-wise in regards to Christmas, I'm hoping that I can straighten back out and lose weight for the right reason.