A tough year

On Wednesday night, a good friend of mine had a stroke, and (the doctors said) hemorrhaged in her brain and was brain dead for 11 hours, before she passed away on Thursday morning, while the sisters were singing Amazing Grace in the chapel. She's a catholic sister, (84), and had been with her convent for about 64 years. A wonderful and kind person, I think she knew it was coming, even subconsciously.

She had very recently finished a big project that would've been tough for someone else to finish up; she was feverishly cleaning her room that same day; and she sent out her Christmas letters less than a week ago. I had a couple of people call and ask to speak to her, because they had just gotten her Christmas letter. I had to tell them that she had passed away. And in a way, it was like she was preparing for her death.

So needless to say, I didn't do very good calorie-wise yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I actually stayed within my calories (even got lunch at a fast food place), and did some small exercises. But it was a very tough day for me. You see, this year, there have been 3 people that I felt close to, who have died. One of heart problems, (not sudden, and somewhat expected); an ex-boyfriend who was still a friend committed suicide at the beginning of this year; and the one who died yesterday. While I've experienced death in my life, these are the first where I felt close to the person. I think that I've dealt with them well, but for some reason, the ex-boyfriend is constantly on my mind.

I don't know if it's because I feel like I could have done something, or I miss him, I don't know. It really frustrates me, because, even if he was alive, I shouldn't/wouldn't be thinking about him like I am. I seem to be thinking about the things we did, things I consider now inappropriate and wrong, and especially since I'm married now, almost as if I'm being unfaithful to my husband by thinking about them. I regret the things that I did with the ex. But I still can't seem to get him out of my mind.