Friday, May 28, 2010
On Sunday, we’re having a bbq with some friends and family (supposedly the weather will be good). While they may be bringing a dish, we’re providing most of it, which actually works out great. It might be more work for me, but it also means that I’ll know the nutritionals on nearly every food there! I’m really looking forward to it! After my last bbqing fiasco, this should make up for it nicely.
The rules of the award is that you must choose 7 bloggers to pass the award on to, and must share 7 things about yourself that your readers may not know.
Here’s my 7 things that I’m sure you don’t know about me.
1. I don’t really like chocolate, at any time. About 2 or 3 times a year, I’ll buy myself a candy bar, but other than that, I don’t go crazy over it. Now, my hubby on the other hand is like a girl in a chocolate store. He longs for and craves chocolate like it’s going out of style. LOL, whenever I receive a gift of chocolate (birthday, secretary’s day, Christmas, etc.) I bring it home to Jeff who makes it vanish within 5 minutes, if that. (And it saves me calories!!!)
2. I can’t stand to wear necklaces. They make me feel constricted, and I get a claustrophobic feeling. Then they sometimes pull on the little hairs on your neck (the ones you can’t see) or if you get a little warm and sticky, they kind of bunch up and are hard to turn, etc. When I got married to Jeff, this made the gift giving portion of our marriage a little tougher for him. His first gift to me when we were dating? A necklace. And it’s really pretty. And I’ve worn it once. 3 years ago. Otherwise it’s enjoying the confines of my jewelry box.
3. I am the second of eight kids. I have one older brother, 5 younger sisters and 2 younger brothers, not in that order. I am 13 years older than my youngest sister who just turned 15 years old this month. I have to say, I loved growing up in a big family. We’re all really close, even with the two who live in different states. We always had someone to play with or talk to. I can truly appreciate the gift I got, growing up in a large family. I will always have someone I can depend on, and who will support me and vice versa.
4. (Following Teale here) I met my husband on-line. It was a Catholic website, since we’re both catholic and it’s important to us. I had been on there for about 3 years, and he was on there for 1 month. He lived in my state, over in Eastern Oregon, but I thought he looked cute in his picture, so I introduced myself in March of 2007 and he wrote back, and we carried on like that for 2 months. Then in May, I drove over and met him and we really hit it off. We did the long distance dating thing until September when he moved to my area. And did the actual short-distance dating thing for 2 months until we got engaged in November. We got married on the hottest day of the year in July of 2008. It was 96 degrees. And unbearable temperature, considering how many layers I was wearing. Jeff and the groomsmen (his brothers) have Scotland in their blood, so they wore kilts (air circulation!!!) and we had a bagpiper. It was a truly beautiful day!
5. I don’t drink coffee. I think it tastes yucky, the flavor is such a turn-off for me. It ranks right up there with Brussels Sprouts. They’re both bitter and require something (or in my case, a lot of somethings) to make it tolerable. Nuff said.
6. I love to drive. Through the years, I’ve noticed that a few times a year, I get restless. I need to get out and do something or go somewhere. That’s actually why we went to the beach this last weekend. Anyways, I’ve noticed that in the past, that’s the point where I’d quit my job and find something new. Luckily, I’ve stayed where I’m at for over 4 years which is, for me, a huge deal. Despite not being very happy with my job sometimes, I’ve stayed. Oops, I totally veered away from the original subject. LOL. Anyways, my point is that when I get restless, I take an hour or so long drive. I go up into the hills, or down to the lake, just to go somewhere. When we go to the beach, I love to drive. I’m not sure about this, but it just might be the power and control that’s in my hands at those times.
7. I get carsick easily. There’s a reason Jeff doesn’t drive me around much. It seems, lately, no matter who drives, I get nauseous and uncomfortable. When we are visiting my in-laws, and we go to see my husband’s brother’s family, they always have me drive, so that I don’t get sick. When we went to eastern Washington a month ago to see my cousin and her husband, I got to drive an Audi, because he figured he’d rather have me driving it, than throwing up in it. When I was a kid and we went on road trips, my Mom always made sure to pack “Laura’s bucket”. You know what that was for. At one point, I think it even had my name on it. Crazy part was, if Mom drove, I had no problem. Now, of course, it’s a different story. My Mom’s driving makes me crazy!!!
So there you go! And now, [drumroll please] I present to you the 7 bloggers I am giving to Beautiful Blogger Award to.
1 & 2. Jennifer and Teresa at Weight Loss Journey~ Our Medifast blog. While doing Medifast, they both focus strongly on health. I’ve been following their blog for quite some time now, and really enjoy reading about their journey and their struggles and successes.
3. Lyn at Escape from Obesity who has really struggled on her amazing journey, but is succeeding and winning! Lyn writes fantastic blogs about her struggles, and I always make a point to check out her blog every day so I don’t miss anything.
4. Overcoming Obesity at 365 days with the 330 pound woman. She has been a real inspiration. I started at 315 and am down to 283 in about 8-ish months. And she started at 330 and is down to 277 in just 6 months! What a fantastic job! If I buckled down, maybe I could do this. :)
5. Mrs. Fata$$ at Did I just eat that out loud. I get a real kick out of her blog. She literally writes whatever comes out of her mouth, whether the natural world would think it’s too much information or not. Reading about her struggles and day to day life is a real kick in the pants.
6. John at Taking it off for life is a new blog I recently came across. John’s doing a good job with his weight loss, and even though he struggles, he gets back up and keeps on going. I admire those who can do that!
7. Ericka at Thunder Thigh Bride. Ericka blogs about daily life, weight loss and planning her wedding all in one! What a multi-tasker!
Even though this is only 7 people, I read probably 30 blogs daily and would choose everyone if I could. It takes great strength and courage to share the most personal aspects of your life with people you do not know. Those who are struggling with weight loss are an amazing inspiration to me.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Yesterday, on http://jackfit.blogspot.com/ he posted a blog asking for a picture of your reason for losing weight. After a long time of really thinking about it, and going through my list of reasons, I found my best one.
My reason for losing weight is:
That about sums it up for me perfectly. The picture is of my niece, but I just wanted a baby picture. Jeff and I had a semi-serious conversation the other day about how we’re both stressed, and frustrated that it isn’t happening for us, and so we agreed to stop trying to get pregnant until we have both lost 20% of our original starting weight. That puts me at about 65-ish pounds, so around 250. I have about 33 pounds to go to get there. Jeff’s is a little higher, but I’m sure he’ll be there in no time. I figure it’ll probably be around 5 or 6 months before we’re trying again. At that point, he’ll be finished with school and hopefully working somewhere, and we can get more into testing, etc.
I guess what really brought that on is that another of my younger sisters had her 3rd baby yesterday morning. It’s hard to believe that two of my little sisters each have three kids now, and I’m still batting zero. It’s part frustrating because they’ve grown closer because they’re both home most of the time, so they can hang out and their kids can play together, and I can’t hang out with anyone until after I get home from work. I truly envy them their good fortune.
I’d never have thought, growing up, that infertility would be something we’d have to deal with in our marriage. It’s one of those things that you simply assume will happen, because it’s what our bodies are made to do. And it’s terribly frustrating and heartbreaking to me, knowing that there’s a chance I may never get to feel a baby growing inside me, never bond with a baby while I nurse, never have those experiences that I’ve longed for since I was young. It makes me feel like it’s so unfair that I have to suffer through a period, or have those other parts of my body that are made for something specific, and may never be used. What’s the point?!?
Sorry to vent, I’m just going through a tough time again right now. I’m trying to figure out how to not think about getting pregnant, or not try for the next 6 or more months. I am clueless. I have no idea how to go about that, since there are things that happen that show me exactly where I am in my cycle. Why did this have to happen to us?
Anyways, really sorry about that again. Here’s the better part of the day. My calories for Wednesday were 1,425! Really good! And 3 days in a row that I’ve stayed in my limits. I feel, in this area, everything is going well. I have habits instilled and they help me follow through every day. It’s pretty cool to know that I’m doing this myself. I’ve committed myself to a (very) long-term project; this from someone who used to shy away from such things. I always wanted results right away, and knowing that the results are slow in coming is just so different for me. But I’m doing it. I think about a year from now and know that I’m going to continue losing weight and getting stronger and healthier, and in a year, I’ll be at least 60 pounds lighter! How great is that?!?!?!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
So my daily calorie totals were 1,766 on Monday and 1,537 on Tuesday! YAY! I’ve also been doing my workouts, consistently. One of these days I’ll show a picture of my calendars with stars on them (for when I work out). They’re quite colorful and are a definite motivational tool. So far this month, I’ve worked out 19 days out of 24 (from yesterday) and I’ll be going to do my water aerobics tonight as well.
At my weight watchers meeting last night, our leader said that “muscle burns more calories than fat” which makes sense, and then she said “when a woman wants to lose weight, what’s the first exercise she thinks of?” And of course, everyone said the treadmill, which is a good aerobic exercise, but then asked the one guy in the room what the first thing he started doing was and he said lifting weights. And that’s why men lose weight faster than women. They develop more muscle from the start and their bodies burn more calories because of it. It makes sense to me, especially since my husband is losing weight at a faster rate than I am, and he’s doing mostly strength training, but what are your thoughts?
Monday, May 24, 2010
On Saturday, we decided to go to the beach overnight, which we haven’t done in awhile. So I had some oatmeal in the morning, and then on the way out, we stopped to get some snacks. We got PopChips, some tiny peanut butter cookies, and a 4 pack of fig newtons. Of which I had one serving of each, even going so far as counting them out. Then we stopped at Starbucks and I discovered they have an 8 oz. cup you can ask for, they just don’t advertise it, so I had my kid sized chai latte while he drank his 18 oz coffee, and it shows how slow I drink it, we finished at the very same time. I guess the point is that I racked up 2309 calories for the day, staying within portion sizes on everything. I just had too many things. As a side note, I did track every single thing I ate, so I consider that a positive. And even though I went over on my calories, I didn’t go over the amount of calories that my body burns each day, so that’s also a positive. And for something that makes me “obsessive” according to my husband, I completely forgot to bring my weights or a video with us. So when we went to the beach, I found two rocks of like weight and size, to hold in my hands and brought them back up to our room. He watched TV, while I worked out with my rocks. I thought that for me, this is a real change. Used to be if I didn’t have what I needed, I’d just not work out. Now, I use rocks for weights, and if I want to walk, I watch TV and walk, making sure that my steps are between 145 and 170 steps per minute. What a change!
Then on Sunday, I didn’t eat any snacks, but we did go out for breakfast, then got pizza when we got home. I have to say, the pizza wasn’t as good as I remember it being. It seemed really greasy, and even tasted like oil, not the cheese. I ate my dinner, but I didn’t think it was really not worth the calories that it cost me. And I ended the day at 2403, still below the amount I burn daily, but closer than I like. So last night, I walked for 45 minutes while watching TV, and at one point weighed myself, and my weight was about a pound higher. Not too bad, but I’m back on schedule today.
Now for the fun part; last night, I couldn’t find the swimsuit I’ve been using for my class, so I pulled a different one out of my drawer. I don’t know where it came from, but it’s been with me for years, and lingered through 9 different moves, and although I’ve had it for several years I have never worn it. It’s a really cute chocolate brown, halter dress kind of thing that goes to midthigh. Anyways, I’ve pulled it on before and it was a real struggle. I’d get my legs in, and then wiggle and hop and kick my legs out and stick out my butt, straining, just to get it over my thighs and up to my waist. And then, the top, in the back would never go all the way up. (Therein lies the reason I’ve never worn it.) However, last night, I got my legs in, and bent down and pulled it all the way up to my upper back, with hardly any effort at all! It even pulls in certain places, like my tummy, and smooths out the bumps a little. I couldn’t believe it! So I’m going to wear it for the first time to my class tonight!
And for the annoying part, Jeff and I have been noticing lately that when it comes to my sisters and cousins (who all have kids), we are always the ones who have to change our plans because it’s inconvenient for them. For example; we get together sometimes with my Sister and her family for dinner and a movie. And we always do it at their house. When we mentioned doing it at our house, my BIL made a comment that since they have kids, it’s easiest to do it at their house so the kids can go to bed on time, ets. I understand that kids need to go to bed on time, but I’ve even offered to do dinner earlier so we can get the movie done and they can take off in time to get the kids to bed. It’s just small things like this, but I find them really frustrating, because it’s as if those with kids get this special citizenship, and we’re low on the totem pole because we don’t have any.
Ok, rant is done.
Hope you all had a nice weekend!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
On Thursday, I did really well with my calories. My calorie count was 1409!!! Probably the lowest I’ve had it end up in a long time. I ended up deciding that I wanted to hang out with Jeff instead of going to the gym, so I did the Wii Free step while we watched a TV show. I think I’m going to stop doing that program though because every time I use the balance board, I end up with very sore shins for the next 2 or 3 days, and I think that I’m straining a muscle which occasionally prevents me from doing more exercise for a couple of days. It probably happens because I can’t wear shoes on the balance board, and that’s likely affecting my steps. So I decided that I’m going to get a real step and do it myself on that. I’m kind of looking forward to it!
On Friday, Jeff and I agreed to go out for our dinner, since we had both worked out 5 times. I ate a little less throughout the day so that I could splurge a little bit, but I definitely didn’t starve myself. We went to On the Border (they have great food) and my total calorie count for the day was 1510!!! I can’t believe I did it, but I did!!! It was awesome!
I got up at 11 this morning, and figured that even though I was getting up late, I should eat breakfast, so I made myself a bowl of oatmeal with skim milk and 1 T. of maple syrup. It was pretty good. Then to pair with the weather, I had some tea. Really, a nice morning!
We just decided we’re going to the beach for the night so I have to keep this short. I’m going to bring my weights and a video with me so I can still get my exercise in.
Hope you have a great weekend!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
And today, I’ve done well today too. My calories today were 1409 and I felt fairly satisfied and successful! Today, I worked out a brief strength training schedule. I figure I will do weights every other day to give my muscles a rest between times. It took me about 23 minutes to do two sets of 6 exercises. I made a chart to track how much I do now, and each night will do the same, and every week, I’ll up the exercises or reps a bit. I was bragging to Jeff a little bit about the “gun show” I’m gonna have. I get such a kick out of the terms ‘gun show’. It sounds so great, and I think that’s what I’m aiming for. I always wanted great arms!
Just for fun tonight, I weighed myself, to keep track of how I’m doing, and my scale said 280 even! The coolest part of this is, while my scale is two pounds below the weight watchers scale, I weighed myself on my scale first! I’m not entering it as my official weight, but I’m feeling pretty excited.
I’m going to do well this weekend, and have another great loss and beat Jeff’s butt!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
My calories on Monday were good, but over the weekend Ihad made cinnamon rolls which were sitting on the counter, and gosh darnit, every time I walked by it, I took the fork sitting there and took a bite or two. Probably ended up being about 2 cinnamon rolls total. Definitely not good, but my calorie count for the day was 1897, so not horribly over my points.
Then on Tuesday, I definitely did better. Ate breakfast, lunch was from the cafeteria because I forgot my lunch, and it wasn’t too bad actually. After I got home, I ate 1 roll’s worth of fork bites (then Jeff finished it off Thank goodness!), and now it’s gone. So even with the one roll, my calories were 1,749. At the top but still in my limits!
The sad part of these last several days is that the only reason I was at the top or above my range on these days is because of the darn cinnamon rolls. Luckily, that’s over now. I should have wrapped them up and put them out of sight, but I didn’t . Lesson learned.
And despite all of this havoc I wreaked, I was down 4.4 pounds last night at weight watchers! The loss makes up for my big gain last week, and then some. I am officially down to 284.6 pounds, which is so awesome! My next goal is to be in the 270’s. I think the big loss can be attributed to my paying attention to everything I ate, and tracking everything as well over the weekend, which has always been my downfall. I also exercised 5 times in the last week. It’s so awesome to finally have the pieces of the puzzle starting to come together. I mean that it was almost instinctual to think about what I was eating, and to make it a little bit of a healthier choice. And the exercise is just something I have to do, so I do it.
Monday, May 17, 2010
On Friday, I did alright through the day, and then went to my aunt’s house for a jewelry party. I only ate 2 small quiches, but I drank a cup of punch and about 4 oz. of Margarita before it made me feel like I was going to vomit.
Friday calorie count: 2,033. Not great since I did go over my limit, but not above the amount of calories that my body burns daily, so not a total loss. I was very aware this weekend of what I was putting into my mouth, and what I was drinking, so I didn’t do too badly actually.
On Saturday, I weeded another flowerbed by the house for an hour and a half. Got a nasty blister on my thumb and I think I’ve got a pinched nerve, but I felt good being in the sun for so long. Soaked up lots of vitamin D, and spent the rest of the day feeling satisfied and happy, I think the weather helped a great deal.
Saturday calorie count: 1,918. Better than Friday definitely, although still above my calorie limit. Since we had both exercised 5 times during the week, we designated Saturday as our one sit down meal for the month. We went to a Bar and grill, and I got the cod fillets with a baked potato. Jeff and I swapped my coleslaw (which I don’t like) for his vegetables (which he doesn’t like), but was disappointed because there in the bowl they were in was several tablespoons of melted butter. So I drained it off, but it still didn’t appeal, so I didn’t finish it.
On Sunday, we just stayed around home for the most part. It was our day to relax which really was nice.
I got out some chicken breasts and veggies to BBQ for dinner. I was totally stoked because the weather was perfect!!! I cut up the veggies and made a little tin foil packet of them. I seasoned them and drizzled them with olive oil. We wrapped potatoes in tin foil, and I got the BBQ going.
However, there is 1 (ONE) reason Jeff is the BBQ king and I am his loyal servant. The BBQ didn’t heat up like it was supposed to, but I plopped everything on it anyways, and after about a half an hour, realized it wasn’t cooking, and then Jeff reminded me he had to go to bed early, so we brought it all inside and cooked the chicken in the frying pan and the potatoes in the microwave. I was really disappointed, mostly because it was the first time we’d been able to get the bbq out, and it wouldn’t work for me.
After Jeff went to bed, I went over to see my sister to keep myself entertained and less lonely. We had a really nice time, and I drank one glass of wine that my BIL gave to me. It was a nice way to end the weekend.
Sunday calorie count: 1,896. Even closer than Saturday. While I didn’t stay within my limit at all on all three days, I’m pretty proud that I did keep track of everything I ate, and I did get some exercise in. All in all, I feel like it was a successful weekend. I’m hoping it will make up for my huge gain last Tuesday.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Food for 5/13/10
Whole Wheat English Muffin 130
Chicken Salad 137
Whole Wheat Pita 130
1 C. broccoli 24.6
Granola Bar 100
Cheese Stick 80
Michelina’s Mac & Cheese, 2/3 package- 200 (I started my weight loss on these things, but last night, this was kind of icky.
2 Beef hot dogs- 80
2 sushis 115
½ serv. Doritos 75
Hamms Beer 144
1 T. peanut butter 95
GRAND TOTAL: 1652 calories and 35 points!!!
This evening, my aunt is having one of those jewelry parties where someone comes in and shows the group jewelry that you can buy. She’s also providing alcohol, unfortunately I don’t know what kind, so I decided that I would eat a little less today so I can have 2 drinks tonight. I’m also going to find the calories and points for a bunch of drinks I normally have so I have a little cheat sheet, and I can keep my calories in check. Wish me luck!
The weather here is gorgeous!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Whole wheat English muffin 130
1 T. butter 102
1 square inch danish 53
3 oz. chicken 94
1 C. carrots 55
Granola Bar 100
Pop Chips 120
Chicken salad 137
Whole wheat pitas 260
Cheddar cheese 228.5
Grand TOTAL: 1645 calories!!! & 32 points!!!
Last night, I went to the water aerobics class which was simply wonderful. I love anything that has to do with water, and using the flotation noodle and water as resistance is a great way to go. They have 4 different colors, which are different sizes as well, and I always take the toughest one and I love using it in a push-up for one arm, holding the noodle by my thigh, then raising it up and pushing it back down again. It’s awesome!
Then my friend who was going to do the cardio dance with me told me she had forgotten that she was going to Bunco and a baby shower, so we rescheduled. I came home, made myself some delicious chicken salad in whole wheat pitas with cheddar for dinner, which were delicious! Then I went and did the beginning of C25K again with my sister. I figure, even if I never get to the point of finishing the program, I am getting myself moving a lot.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
This weekend, Jeff and I both had a couple of drinks on Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday afternoon. Typically, I don’t drink this often, but this weekend was obviously different. And I think it helped derail my weight.
On Mother’s day, I did fairly well eating. Or at least better than I used to. But I didn’t track at all. Then on Monday, I wrote that I was going to post what I eat in my blogs because it holds me to an accountability that I need. However, on Monday night, I had my first binge since I started working on my habits. It’s been probably a year and a half since that’s happened. And while I won’t bother to write down what I ate here (Believe me, I’m accountable), I will tell what happened.
On Monday, the evening was a ltitle different because of our schedule, so I decided that I was going to stop by McD’s and get a salad. I rarely ever eat there, but when I do, I always get it healthified. Anyways, when I pulled up to the speaker, I had a car in front and behind me, and as I went through my wallet, I realized I only had $3 and no debit card, which isn’t enough to get the salad. So instead of just driving through and going elsewhere, I ordered a McChicken sandwich and one of the snack wraps, figuring it would be enough.
I went home and ate it, and even though I was mostly full, I felt deprived because I hadn’t wanted to eat what I did. Sounds kind of skewed I know, but it kept nagging at me so much that after Jeff went to bed at 8, I drove back to town and stopped by Taco Bell where I got more food (that I actually wanted), and ate it all. The sad part is that it made me feel really uncomfortable in my stomach, just really full.
I wasn’t happy, and knew that eating like that is what got me here in the first place, and I was even trying to talk myself down on the way home from TB, but none of it worked, and when I got home, I ate everything, even though after I’d finished most of it, the rest looked unpalatable to me. I still haven’t figured out what the whole thing was about, but one thing I have learned from it is to not waste calories on things I don’t like, or don’t want to eat, as I did with the McD’s food. I didn’t want it. It didn’t look good, and it wasn’t what I was hungry for, but I did it anyways and took in a huge deal more calories than I would have, had I initially gone to Taco Bell or somewhere else. So, here is me being accountable. I don’t like the entire situation, but I need the accountability.
So here’s what I ate on Tuesday:
Whole Wheat English muffin 130
Cheese Stick 80
Dinner at Mom’s (My sister’s birthday)
3 oz. pork 169
½ C. stuffing 80
1 small roll 75.4
2/3 hot dog 84
1 oz. corn casserole 79.2
¼ C. brown rice 54
2 C. orange juice 219
1/16 slice cake 117.4
½ pear 15
¼ oz. cheese 15
GRAND TOTAL: (drumroll please!!!) 1689.6 calories and 34 points exactly!
This evening I am going to the water aerobics class, which is soo much fun! And one of my friends there in that class kind of dared me to do a cardio dance class with her, so that’ll be right after the water class. Should be lots of fun!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Then Jeff went out and mowed the lawn and I attacked one flowerbed by the house. It’s about 8 feet by 15 feet long, so it’s was quite a task. It’s been looking like a jungle lately, and our poor wildflowers keep trying to peek through, but can’t. So I sprayed some water all over it to soften up the dirt, then went inside to throw together the dough for my cinnamon rolls in the bread machine. Then I went back outside and spent an hour and a half squatting and pulling, and shoveling, until I got all of the weeds out of the bed. Then I loaded the wheelbarrow full of dirt to move to the bed to even it out, unfortunately after it was full, I realized the tire was flat, so pushing it the 10 feet to the flower bed took a huge amount of work. After that load, I was done with it, until I get the tire filled. Then I got 3 groupings of day lilies (or something like that) from my Mom, so I planted those when I got home. I’m really liking how the bed looks!
Then yesterday, I was pretty darn sore. My ab muscles ( I have ab muscles!!!!!) were aching and my thighs and my calves, and my arms slightly. I really am not a fan of gardening, or doing anything to maintain the outside, but my husband and I will likely be moving in October and I figured that I’ve let the place pretty much go over the last 5 ½ years, and I should at least try to make it look a little better when we move out. But I couldn’t believe what a workout it was to do one portion of the flowerbed. And it goes all the way around the house!!! I figure if next weekend is nice, I’m going to do another part and make it look better.
On to the food and exercise portion of the weekend, pretty much all the exercise I got was the gardening on Saturday and chasing my sister around at my Mom’s house yesterday. Eating wise, I didn’t do so hot either. On Saturday night, we had pizza at my sister and brother-in-law’s house, which I haven’t had in quite some time, so I over indulged, and then had too much margarita. Then on Sunday, we got our fast food dinner since we both worked out 5 times last week. We went to Taco Bell, and compared to how I used to do, I did pretty well. I got a meal with a burrito and chips, and only drank about 1 cup of the raspberry iced tea. The difference there is that I used to eat with my eyes, and I’d order too many things because they’re all yummy. Now, I try to remind myself that Taco Bell’s not going out of style. It will still be there tomorrow, or next week, or next month. So I should get a reasonable amount this time, and the next time we go out, I can do the same.
I’m still really struggling with keeping my weekends in check. I didn’t track my points or anything at all this weekend, and I know that I ate more than I normally would. So I’ve decided to put what I eat on my blog daily. It’ll make me more accountable, since I know it’s up in a public place. I will still occasionally eat foods that I shouldn’t or more than I should, but I plan to be completely honest about what I eat. I do have to ask, however, that no one critiques my daily menu. Being honest with myself on my blog is hard enough, without feeling bad because of what I ate because someone tells me I shouldn’t. I am my own food police.
Yesterday was kind of tough for me. I spoke to my Dad when he called and he wished me Happy Mother’s Day then said “Oh, never mind. You’re not a mother”. Which I am fully aware of, and even more so since he brought it up. Then my sister was upset about something that I did not ask her opinion on, and she at one point threw out “You’re not the only Mother who should get to decide these things”. I know that! Yet, I did. And it was done. She’s very pregnant, with probably only a week or so to go, so I think that’s why she was so touchy about it. Either way, it’s hard on Mother’s Day for me, seeing all these other women who get to celebrate that they gave the gift of life to their children, and yet I haven’t been able to do that.
Nonetheless, if you’re a mother, I hope you had a wonderful Mother’s day. I hope you remember what a blessing you have received for each of the children you’ve been given. I hope you never forget how lucky you are to have that gift.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Because of my success so far, I decided it’s time to make a new goal, so I made a large goal, and a bunch of new small ones. The large goal is to lose 100 pounds in 1 year. However, I split it up so that the small goals are easy to attain. In order to reach my goal, I have to lose a little less than 2.1 pounds per week, which is a healthy rate. By this time a year from now, I hope to weigh 176.5 pounds, and have a BMI of 28.5. That is less than I weighed in high school, which is crazy. That is the only time I remember actually having a real weight, because it’s on my drivers license.
I was actually a skinny kid. I rode my bike all the time, and climbed trees constantly. I was a tomboy and spent a lot of time outdoors. I didn’t start to gain weight until around 5th or 6th grade when my parents were starting to have problems, but I still didn’t weigh that much. I was just a little pudgy. Then when my Dad left us in 9th grade, I really ballooned up, and that seems to be the time where I gained most of my weight. I am an emotional eater, and while we did always have pretty healthy foods at home growing up, I ate way too much of them. I remember coming home from school and foraging in the cabinets for something to eat. I know I hid wrappers around, and thinking back, I am so embarrassed for my behavior. I constantly hid my eating. If I went to the store, I’d buy something from the deli, or donuts, etc., and take them home and hide them while I ate them.
My Mom would sometimes get on my case about it (my weight I guess), but it never really felt like it was loving, the way she always said it. “You shouldn’t have more of that”, or “that’s enough for you” (then another sibling would get to have more), or lecturing me at the dinner table with the whole family in attendance, about what foods I could have more of, etc. I wish she’d been more proactive about it; instead of saying those things in front of the entire family, it would have been great if she’d had a private talk with me about it. And maybe gone on walks or bike rides with me. Maybe if that had happened, and I had felt like I got some attention from her, our relationship now wouldn’t be so rough.
Now, I live literally across a field from her. It takes about 3 minutes to walk through the field, or 7 minutes to take the road. Yet, she complains that I never come over, or never talk with her. I try to talk to her, but there doesn’t seem to be much to talk about. I have tried, but our conversation is like a limp noodle. She is inattentive, looking at other things, paying attention to other people’s conversations, as if what I have to say is unimportant to her. When I try to talk about how I feel about something, it’s like she steam rolls over it, and makes me feel like an idiot for making a big deal out of it. However, when my sisters talk to her about their kids, she’s very interactive in the conversations. It often makes me feel that I (and Jeff) are not as important as the others because we don’t have kids.
I feel like crying, simply because of the relationship we could/should have had, and don’t. As ridiculous as it is, I’m still trying to seek her approval, though I don’t think I’ll ever get it. I used to think that if I had kids before my siblings, she’d approve of me. When I make a cake for a birthday party, or baby shower, my first thought is that I want to impress her. When I knitted that blanket for my sisters baby, my thoughts were that maybe Mom would be proud, since she had tried to teach me to knit years ago. But she said nothing. All I need her to say is “what a beautiful job you’ve done” or “you’re so talented” or maybe “I’m so proud of you”. But she won’t, and probably never will. How do you stop seeking the approval of a parent that’s not willing to give it? It would sure be less stress on my heart, but while I can identify that it’s a problem, I can’t seem to stop these thoughts of wanting her to pay attention to me.
And that’s enough of the examining feelings. This is making me far too emotional.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
I also found out that I actually can get a membership with the aquatic center. They apparently don’t really check to see if you’re in city limits, so if your license says the city, that’s all they want. I went and signed up last night, and it cost me $126 for 6 months. That’s $21 a month, which is about fifteen dollars savings from 24-hour fitness. Then I called 24 today to cancel my membership and finally got ahold of someone (I tried for an hour and a half yesterday). She kept pushing and pushing me to stay with them. I told her that the main reason I’m leaving them is that they don’t have any of the classes I’d be interested in, on my schedule. They’re also about 20 minutes from home, as opposed to the aquatic center which is only about 7 minutes. So I can go home, and then go back and not eat up a huge chunk of time. The best part is that I cancelled my membership within the 3 (business) day cooling period, which means I don’t get charged a cent, and get a complete refund of all that I have paid! It’s a good thing all around!
I have weight watchers tonight, and I’m thinking I’m probably not going to have a loss, as while I did cook all weekend, I didn’t measure portion sizes, or track my points. If I’m around the same, I’ll be happy. It’s only too bad I don’t lose a pound because I don’t get the three awards I was so looking forward to. I will get the 16 weeks attendance however, which I also think is great! It’s a sign of my maturity that I’ve attended a meeting this long consistently. Used to me that I was a little commitment phobic, and attending a meeting would’ve been inside of that. I would’ve gone for awhile, then I would have gotten tired of feeling like I don’t have any time to myself, and I would have stopped going. I’m definitely growing up!
In working on a new plan for eating, I found a 1,500 calorie menu, that is really great, and pretty flexible. For example: For Breakfast, it gives you several options in the whole grain category, and tells you to pick one. Then there’s a dairy, and fruit one. And you pick one selection out of all of the options. I also decided that I’m going to start eating breakfast at home, and then when I pack my lunch, I’ll only have to pack 2 snacks to go with it. Right now, I eat breakfast, I just prefer the extra sleep in the morning, so I bring it with me to work and eat it when I get there. I really feel like these changes will help keep me on track, and get things moving again. I like that.