My absolutely favorite time of year is right now. I love making lists for gifts to buy or make for my family members, for when else can I really spoil my husband?
But more importantly, preparing for the real reason that Christmas is. In the catholic church, we are encouraged to listen to advent music during advent. Advent is the season which prepares us for the coming of the baby Jesus on Christmas. The songs of Advent are truly beautiful, and are about awaiting the coming of baby Jesus. It has such beautiful meaning. Some include: 'O come, o come Emanuel.' Can't miss the meaning there. Also there are 'Come thou long expected Jesus', 'The King of Glory', and 'For You O Lord, My Soul in Stillness waits'. All a continuous theme.
At Christmas time, there is nothing I look forward to more than being with those I love. I like cold weather and snow, or just cold that makes everyone bundle up. I enjoy decorating my house in bright colors. I love this entire next month!
Oh, and as a sidenote, I weighed myself yesterday (Sunday) for my regular weigh-in day and my weight is down 0.2#. Whoohoo!!! On Thanksgiving, I ate so slowly that everyone at the table was finished and halfway done with dessert by the time I finished the food on my plate. I know I ate more than I would have, had I measured, but I just eyeballed it, and was comfortably full at the end of the meal. I even had pie.
I've never gained more weight over the holidays than any other time of the year (mostly because I don't like sweets or cake or cookies), so when I make them, I often give them away to other people. But nonetheless, I lost a little weight, and I'm very happy about that!
Monday, November 30, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
New Year's Resolutions? Bah humbug!
I was talking to my husband last night, and I told him I want an exercise or recumbent bike. He says we’ll look in February. I was confused about why February, and he said “because traditionally, people give up on their exercising (Resolution) in the middle or the end of January, and by February are selling their new exercise equipment.
I had never thought about it before. I know that people give up on their “new year’s resolutions” shortly into the new year, but it’s sad to me that it’s so predictable that people like my husband know when to go shopping for exercise equipment. Which made me think. My resolution started in September. And it’s continued for a little over 2 months now. The thing about a “new year’s resolution” is that every 365 days, there’s a new year. Which means that it ends. Every year. And restarts. EVERY year. And most people have no problem giving up for the rest of the year, after all, “there’s always next January”.
I have to say, (while I’m in the Thankful mood), I’m thankful that I’ve never set a new year’s resolution to lose weight before. Because I think I would've failed. I’m also thankful I’ve never dieted. The thought of dieting and losing a lot of weight, and then gaining it all back, and then some, makes me leery. I know that if I lost the weight I’ve packed on all these years, and then gained it again and again and again, my family would never stop harping on me.
Right now, they haven’t noticed that I’ve lost 15 pounds (which I’m thankful for), and I’ve only told my husband and roommate, one sister and a cousin. The few people who I know won’t pressure me about anything. They don’t ask how much weight I’ve lost, because they know I would feel pressured, and the stress of that would make me give up and eat. So, when I hit a new low, or something that makes me proud, I tell them, and they congratulate me, and move on. I can’t say how much I appreciate that.
But, is that why people stop in February? They felt pressured by themselves or family? I hate to say it, but even jumping into exercise and healthy eating without preparation would feel like pressure to me. It’s a pressure of sorts to have to make time in your schedule for exercise or food preparation. There are soo many places that this pressure comes from, it’s no wonder exercise equipment can be bought cheap in February. I’d probably give up too, if I jumped in that way.
I had never thought about it before. I know that people give up on their “new year’s resolutions” shortly into the new year, but it’s sad to me that it’s so predictable that people like my husband know when to go shopping for exercise equipment. Which made me think. My resolution started in September. And it’s continued for a little over 2 months now. The thing about a “new year’s resolution” is that every 365 days, there’s a new year. Which means that it ends. Every year. And restarts. EVERY year. And most people have no problem giving up for the rest of the year, after all, “there’s always next January”.
I have to say, (while I’m in the Thankful mood), I’m thankful that I’ve never set a new year’s resolution to lose weight before. Because I think I would've failed. I’m also thankful I’ve never dieted. The thought of dieting and losing a lot of weight, and then gaining it all back, and then some, makes me leery. I know that if I lost the weight I’ve packed on all these years, and then gained it again and again and again, my family would never stop harping on me.
Right now, they haven’t noticed that I’ve lost 15 pounds (which I’m thankful for), and I’ve only told my husband and roommate, one sister and a cousin. The few people who I know won’t pressure me about anything. They don’t ask how much weight I’ve lost, because they know I would feel pressured, and the stress of that would make me give up and eat. So, when I hit a new low, or something that makes me proud, I tell them, and they congratulate me, and move on. I can’t say how much I appreciate that.
But, is that why people stop in February? They felt pressured by themselves or family? I hate to say it, but even jumping into exercise and healthy eating without preparation would feel like pressure to me. It’s a pressure of sorts to have to make time in your schedule for exercise or food preparation. There are soo many places that this pressure comes from, it’s no wonder exercise equipment can be bought cheap in February. I’d probably give up too, if I jumped in that way.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Such a short weekend
I have to say. I love the weekends! My husband and I actually get to sleep in together and then spend the whole day together. It always seems like it goes soo fast though. I felt like it was Friday and then it was Sunday night. Ugh!
In weighing myself yesterday, I was at 300.6 Lbs. Which is up 2.2 pounds from last week. I think it's very possible that I was closer to last week's weight, but Jeff and I went out for lunch yesterday, and it was quite a salty meal. Then last night, I felt so dehydrated I was drinking a ton of water. So I'd bet that water retention is more my problem than eating too much, especially since I ate well for 5 of the last 7 days! I think I'd like to weigh myself a couple of times this week though, just to see if I can pick up a pattern. I'd like to see if I go down from PMS time too, which was also this weekend. It'd be interesting to recognize.
In weighing myself yesterday, I was at 300.6 Lbs. Which is up 2.2 pounds from last week. I think it's very possible that I was closer to last week's weight, but Jeff and I went out for lunch yesterday, and it was quite a salty meal. Then last night, I felt so dehydrated I was drinking a ton of water. So I'd bet that water retention is more my problem than eating too much, especially since I ate well for 5 of the last 7 days! I think I'd like to weigh myself a couple of times this week though, just to see if I can pick up a pattern. I'd like to see if I go down from PMS time too, which was also this weekend. It'd be interesting to recognize.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Random
I am feeling very proud of myself. While I haven't tracked my calories in my notebook for the last 9 or 10 days, I've been consistently on SP. And out of the last 7 days, I stayed within my calorie limit for five of those days. One day I went waaay over (which had been surprising, because I'd been paying attention) and one day I only went a little over. That's the best I've done to this point. It's usually been 3 or 4 days a week I stay in my calories. So I'm feeling quite proud!
Lately, I've been looking up ways to garden in the wintertime. In the Summer, we grow a number of our own vegetables and can them. Unfortunately, this last summer we just didn't do a very good job, so our canned foods is pretty low. I'm thinking of getting one of those kiddie pools, you know the ones that're aa circle and about 6 or 7 feet across.
We have a garage that we're not able to park in (thanks to the people who put the well right in front of it), and we mostly just store stuff there. So it'd be the perfect place to put one of those pools. It has a huge window that I could open for circulation. I'd have to get a heat lamp and a timer and the dirt and minerals. I think it's a positive idea, and for me, less overwhelming than a huge garden. And we'd have the bonus of having free vegetables over the winter that we wouldn't have to buy. The positives just keep stacking up! :) Definitely worth more consideration.
Lately, I've been looking up ways to garden in the wintertime. In the Summer, we grow a number of our own vegetables and can them. Unfortunately, this last summer we just didn't do a very good job, so our canned foods is pretty low. I'm thinking of getting one of those kiddie pools, you know the ones that're aa circle and about 6 or 7 feet across.
We have a garage that we're not able to park in (thanks to the people who put the well right in front of it), and we mostly just store stuff there. So it'd be the perfect place to put one of those pools. It has a huge window that I could open for circulation. I'd have to get a heat lamp and a timer and the dirt and minerals. I think it's a positive idea, and for me, less overwhelming than a huge garden. And we'd have the bonus of having free vegetables over the winter that we wouldn't have to buy. The positives just keep stacking up! :) Definitely worth more consideration.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Lame!
Kind of a lame day. Period started. It's difficult to NOT hope each cycle that I'm pregnant. I don't want to lose all hope and become a cynic though. Hopefully I'll be able to find that happy medium soon.
I finally got Jeff to write out a christmas list for me, so I can do my research and get him alot of what he wants. I added a few extras on it, sorted by type of present, and found prices for everything. Now I just have to find out how much money I get to spend on him, and I can narrow it down more. I love giving gifts at Christmas time!!! It's so much fun for me. Getting them is alot of fun too though! A couple of years ago, before my brother-in-law married my sister, he was at our house for Christmas morning, and (I have a large family) our tradition is to pass out the gifts and after they're all sorted, then we go around the room and each person gets to open one at a time.
It's lots of fun, unless one person gets waay less gifts than everyone else. As I had that year. I think I got 2 or 3, and everyone else had about 10, so after the first couple of rounds, everyone else gets to keep on going and they'd get to me and skip me again and again and again. Made me feel kind of left out. And then even more left out when my BIL gave EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THAT ROOM a gift, except me. I really hate that. Luckily I like him, so It's not a huge deal, just something that I think people should pay attention to avoid.
Then every other year (since I married Jeff) we drive to Eastern Oregon to spend the week with his family (if we can get there. The weather's been crazy the last few years) and the first year, we had just gotten engaged a month and a half before. We weren't sure what to do in regards to opening our gifts, since we were spending our Christmas with everyone else in Boise. So we brought them out. And got several sarcastic comments from a couple of famiy members because we had "too much" (Jeff got me alot that year).
We drive to my MIL and FIL's house in eastern oregon on Christmas Eve. And on Christmas day drive to Boise and stay overnight there. So we decided that, this year, we'd bring our presents with us and save them until Christmas night when we get back to our room to open them by ourselves. Which will be really nice. At the same time, it often occurs to me that it seems kind of dumb to wrap our gifts here at home, and then drive them 350 miles to the other side of the state where we will open them, and then drive them 350 miles home again a week later. But, it doesn't feel Christmas-y to not open gifts.
I finally got Jeff to write out a christmas list for me, so I can do my research and get him alot of what he wants. I added a few extras on it, sorted by type of present, and found prices for everything. Now I just have to find out how much money I get to spend on him, and I can narrow it down more. I love giving gifts at Christmas time!!! It's so much fun for me. Getting them is alot of fun too though! A couple of years ago, before my brother-in-law married my sister, he was at our house for Christmas morning, and (I have a large family) our tradition is to pass out the gifts and after they're all sorted, then we go around the room and each person gets to open one at a time.
It's lots of fun, unless one person gets waay less gifts than everyone else. As I had that year. I think I got 2 or 3, and everyone else had about 10, so after the first couple of rounds, everyone else gets to keep on going and they'd get to me and skip me again and again and again. Made me feel kind of left out. And then even more left out when my BIL gave EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THAT ROOM a gift, except me. I really hate that. Luckily I like him, so It's not a huge deal, just something that I think people should pay attention to avoid.
Then every other year (since I married Jeff) we drive to Eastern Oregon to spend the week with his family (if we can get there. The weather's been crazy the last few years) and the first year, we had just gotten engaged a month and a half before. We weren't sure what to do in regards to opening our gifts, since we were spending our Christmas with everyone else in Boise. So we brought them out. And got several sarcastic comments from a couple of famiy members because we had "too much" (Jeff got me alot that year).
We drive to my MIL and FIL's house in eastern oregon on Christmas Eve. And on Christmas day drive to Boise and stay overnight there. So we decided that, this year, we'd bring our presents with us and save them until Christmas night when we get back to our room to open them by ourselves. Which will be really nice. At the same time, it often occurs to me that it seems kind of dumb to wrap our gifts here at home, and then drive them 350 miles to the other side of the state where we will open them, and then drive them 350 miles home again a week later. But, it doesn't feel Christmas-y to not open gifts.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Still quivering...
from the excitement of my current weight.
Anyways, on to other matters. We had a really nasty storm last night. Jeff and I were sitting in the living room watching TV and our windows were, not rattling since they're new, but I could see the glass bending in and out. Kind of creepy, and a little scary that the wind might blow them in.
And in driving home from work last night, (in my tiny Toyota Corolla) my car was blowing all over the road. Pretty bad. I feel really unsafe in my car in weather like that. I should've driven his car; it's heavier. I swear, a tank could run it over and you wouldn't feel a thing!
Over the summer, Jeff and I planted our garden with lots of veggies, and then I canned them as they produced. It's really nice having that extra food around, especially since we over spent this month, and aren't able to go shopping for groceries except the basics like milk. So we've been lucky. We obviously have plenty of food around, which I appreciate. If for no other reason than that we can't make it to the store some day, we will be able to eat. And, bonus!, it'll be healthy!
A few months ago that Jeff and I had made a bet of sorts (after I'd already decided my time had come to get healthy). The bet was whoever lost the most weight in 6 months (ending February 1st), would get $200 to do whatever they wanted with. Well, I've lost 15 pounds in the last 2 or so months, and been working hard at it. And he's been doing nothing. When we talked about it the other night, he said that he's just going to cut out all sweets after December and lose more than I do.
Now, while it woul be nice for him to lose weight, and he would, he wouldn't be losing it to be healthier. He'd be losing it to win a bet, and he'd probably go right back to his old eating habits. The worst part is that he probably will beat me because he loses weight so fast. It kind of makes me mad because here I am, working hard at being more healthy, and losing weight (the money's a perk too, but not as big a motivator) and he'll beat me after trying for one month. UGH!!! Men!
Anyways, on to other matters. We had a really nasty storm last night. Jeff and I were sitting in the living room watching TV and our windows were, not rattling since they're new, but I could see the glass bending in and out. Kind of creepy, and a little scary that the wind might blow them in.
And in driving home from work last night, (in my tiny Toyota Corolla) my car was blowing all over the road. Pretty bad. I feel really unsafe in my car in weather like that. I should've driven his car; it's heavier. I swear, a tank could run it over and you wouldn't feel a thing!
Over the summer, Jeff and I planted our garden with lots of veggies, and then I canned them as they produced. It's really nice having that extra food around, especially since we over spent this month, and aren't able to go shopping for groceries except the basics like milk. So we've been lucky. We obviously have plenty of food around, which I appreciate. If for no other reason than that we can't make it to the store some day, we will be able to eat. And, bonus!, it'll be healthy!
A few months ago that Jeff and I had made a bet of sorts (after I'd already decided my time had come to get healthy). The bet was whoever lost the most weight in 6 months (ending February 1st), would get $200 to do whatever they wanted with. Well, I've lost 15 pounds in the last 2 or so months, and been working hard at it. And he's been doing nothing. When we talked about it the other night, he said that he's just going to cut out all sweets after December and lose more than I do.
Now, while it woul be nice for him to lose weight, and he would, he wouldn't be losing it to be healthier. He'd be losing it to win a bet, and he'd probably go right back to his old eating habits. The worst part is that he probably will beat me because he loses weight so fast. It kind of makes me mad because here I am, working hard at being more healthy, and losing weight (the money's a perk too, but not as big a motivator) and he'll beat me after trying for one month. UGH!!! Men!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Goal met!
I did my weekly weigh-in this week this afternoon, and weighed in at 298.6 pounds!
The exciting part for me is that a week or so ago, I set a goal to be below 300 pounds by Thanksgiving day, and I have a week and a half until then! So now, I'm resetting my goal. I'm aiming on being below 295 pounds by December 1st, adjustable, of course, by how I do between now and then. Whoo hoo!!!!!
The exciting part for me is that a week or so ago, I set a goal to be below 300 pounds by Thanksgiving day, and I have a week and a half until then! So now, I'm resetting my goal. I'm aiming on being below 295 pounds by December 1st, adjustable, of course, by how I do between now and then. Whoo hoo!!!!!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
A new niece
My sister went into labor today at 11:30 and had her first daughter at 3:17PM. Her name is Sienna Catherine. She was 7lbs, 12 oz and her little head is covered with dark hair. Absolutely beautiful! My sister and brother-in-law had asked me if I wanted to be there, which I did, so I left work early. I have to say that it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Her midwives forgot to take pictures, so I was running around with the camera and took (apparently) around 150 pictures. A ton of really good ones! I was in awe. I truly was. I'm still kind of speechless. I don't know how to describe it, but it was really beautiful. I hope we get to experience that in our future.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Crazy days!
My sister is going to have a baby. She was due on the 2nd of November, but regularly runs 2-3 weeks over. She asked me if I wanted to come with them when she did, so she's keeping me informed about what's going on. Last night, she sent me a text at 5pm telling me she was having contractions. They weren't progressing yet, but be forewarned. Then at 8, she said they were the same. So I kept my phone on the loudest I could all night so I'd hear when they called.
I slept like crap because I kept thinking about it. Go figure. And my new phone (a blackberry pearl) is pissing me off because the woman at the store set it with my email address. So everytime I get an email, it also sends to my phone, but I couldn't turn that off because Lisa was texting me too. So before I went to bed last night, I went online and changed a good number of my email subscriptions which lessened the amount of email that I got. Not too bad, but I still got several emails. UGH.
Anyways, she told me at midnight that they were planning on going in at 2:30. Then at 2, she told me that the contractions and everything had stopped so they weren't going in. So she hasn't had the baby yet... I have a feeling she'll be going in the next few hours, so I'll be leaving work to go as well. And if anyone tells you Murphy's law is a hoax, it's not. My dear friend's funeral is today at 4 o'clock. And if I leave here for the baby, I doubt I'll be making it to the funeral, which makes me really sad.
Yesterday, I stayed well within my calorie limit, even below actually, but I felt comfortable with that. I wasn't hungry, and didn't want to eat more. And I did what I was able to of two exercise videos.
I slept like crap because I kept thinking about it. Go figure. And my new phone (a blackberry pearl) is pissing me off because the woman at the store set it with my email address. So everytime I get an email, it also sends to my phone, but I couldn't turn that off because Lisa was texting me too. So before I went to bed last night, I went online and changed a good number of my email subscriptions which lessened the amount of email that I got. Not too bad, but I still got several emails. UGH.
Anyways, she told me at midnight that they were planning on going in at 2:30. Then at 2, she told me that the contractions and everything had stopped so they weren't going in. So she hasn't had the baby yet... I have a feeling she'll be going in the next few hours, so I'll be leaving work to go as well. And if anyone tells you Murphy's law is a hoax, it's not. My dear friend's funeral is today at 4 o'clock. And if I leave here for the baby, I doubt I'll be making it to the funeral, which makes me really sad.
Yesterday, I stayed well within my calorie limit, even below actually, but I felt comfortable with that. I wasn't hungry, and didn't want to eat more. And I did what I was able to of two exercise videos.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Nothing so delicious as the taste of success.
There's something nice about feeling successful. Yesterday, I did well with my calories; I clocked-in at 1671, which was just perfect. And with my new pedometer (it also tells me how many calories I burned; SO COOL!) I walked a little over 3,000 steps.
Jeff and I went to a track a few months ago, and I tracked my steps for 1 mile, and it was aproximately 2,112 steps. So I did about a mile and a half, but that doesn't count the morning, because i didn't put it on until noon. I also walked a 10-minute mile on my treadmill. That took some motivation, but I did it. So it's definitely a good start.
I've been tracking our budget for the past several months, with every dollar accounted for somewhere. Then when I got paid on the first, we didn't pay attention to our budget (stupid), and went out to eat several times, and went to the beach overnight once, and spent quite a bit on food. But we didn't know how much until we got home and I separated everything out.
We (somehow) spent over $200 on meals. For 11 days. How does that happen? I mean, I know there were a few meals that were sit down's and those always cost 20-30, but I just find it unbelieveable, and slightly embarrassing that we went so over the top. So now, we're pretty much running a tight ship for the rest of the month. We'll see how that goes. The positive part of that is we won't be eating out!!!... Because we don't have any money!!!!!
Jeff and I went to a track a few months ago, and I tracked my steps for 1 mile, and it was aproximately 2,112 steps. So I did about a mile and a half, but that doesn't count the morning, because i didn't put it on until noon. I also walked a 10-minute mile on my treadmill. That took some motivation, but I did it. So it's definitely a good start.
I've been tracking our budget for the past several months, with every dollar accounted for somewhere. Then when I got paid on the first, we didn't pay attention to our budget (stupid), and went out to eat several times, and went to the beach overnight once, and spent quite a bit on food. But we didn't know how much until we got home and I separated everything out.
We (somehow) spent over $200 on meals. For 11 days. How does that happen? I mean, I know there were a few meals that were sit down's and those always cost 20-30, but I just find it unbelieveable, and slightly embarrassing that we went so over the top. So now, we're pretty much running a tight ship for the rest of the month. We'll see how that goes. The positive part of that is we won't be eating out!!!... Because we don't have any money!!!!!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Still trying to get back on track
I've still been falling off the wagon a bit lately. Last week, I only tracked my calories on one day. I guess I got lazy. But I found my notebook again, and I started tracking again, first thing this morning.
One thing I need to work on is that I still don't have a handle on restaurant ordering. I could be doing a lot better. I think the problem for me is the darn menu. I can go into a place with my whole meal plan already worked out and decided. But then I get the menu and all of a sudden, a whole world of food opens up in front of me. I think maybe one of my goals for awhile will be to have Jeff help me work on that. I think if he gently reminds me not to look at the menu, I'll get into the habit of it.
I weighed in yesterday, and I'm down 3 pounds from last week! YAY! I don't actually know how, except that I did move around quite a bit more than before; don't get me wrong, I didn't intentionally work out, I just happened to move around more. Definitely something else to work on. I haven't made myself actually get motivated and exercise for a bit, so it's time to buckle down. I got a new pedometer (my old one broke) and will start using that. I can work on getting more steps in, and I think that may be the best way for me to go for now. Once I'm in the habit of gettting 10,000 steps each day, we'll see what I can work in. I decided to set a goal for myself; I am so close to being under 300 Lbs., I can almost taste it. So my new short-term goal is to be under 300 Lbs by Thanksgiving. That gives me 2 1/2 weeks. Which I think is do-able.
Wish me motivation!
One thing I need to work on is that I still don't have a handle on restaurant ordering. I could be doing a lot better. I think the problem for me is the darn menu. I can go into a place with my whole meal plan already worked out and decided. But then I get the menu and all of a sudden, a whole world of food opens up in front of me. I think maybe one of my goals for awhile will be to have Jeff help me work on that. I think if he gently reminds me not to look at the menu, I'll get into the habit of it.
I weighed in yesterday, and I'm down 3 pounds from last week! YAY! I don't actually know how, except that I did move around quite a bit more than before; don't get me wrong, I didn't intentionally work out, I just happened to move around more. Definitely something else to work on. I haven't made myself actually get motivated and exercise for a bit, so it's time to buckle down. I got a new pedometer (my old one broke) and will start using that. I can work on getting more steps in, and I think that may be the best way for me to go for now. Once I'm in the habit of gettting 10,000 steps each day, we'll see what I can work in. I decided to set a goal for myself; I am so close to being under 300 Lbs., I can almost taste it. So my new short-term goal is to be under 300 Lbs by Thanksgiving. That gives me 2 1/2 weeks. Which I think is do-able.
Wish me motivation!
Friday, November 6, 2009
A tough year
On Wednesday night, a good friend of mine had a stroke, and (the doctors said) hemorrhaged in her brain and was brain dead for 11 hours, before she passed away on Thursday morning, while the sisters were singing Amazing Grace in the chapel. She's a catholic sister, (84), and had been with her convent for about 64 years. A wonderful and kind person, I think she knew it was coming, even subconsciously.
She had very recently finished a big project that would've been tough for someone else to finish up; she was feverishly cleaning her room that same day; and she sent out her Christmas letters less than a week ago. I had a couple of people call and ask to speak to her, because they had just gotten her Christmas letter. I had to tell them that she had passed away. And in a way, it was like she was preparing for her death.
So needless to say, I didn't do very good calorie-wise yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I actually stayed within my calories (even got lunch at a fast food place), and did some small exercises. But it was a very tough day for me. You see, this year, there have been 3 people that I felt close to, who have died. One of heart problems, (not sudden, and somewhat expected); an ex-boyfriend who was still a friend committed suicide at the beginning of this year; and the one who died yesterday. While I've experienced death in my life, these are the first where I felt close to the person. I think that I've dealt with them well, but for some reason, the ex-boyfriend is constantly on my mind.
I don't know if it's because I feel like I could have done something, or I miss him, I don't know. It really frustrates me, because, even if he was alive, I shouldn't/wouldn't be thinking about him like I am. I seem to be thinking about the things we did, things I consider now inappropriate and wrong, and especially since I'm married now, almost as if I'm being unfaithful to my husband by thinking about them. I regret the things that I did with the ex. But I still can't seem to get him out of my mind.
She had very recently finished a big project that would've been tough for someone else to finish up; she was feverishly cleaning her room that same day; and she sent out her Christmas letters less than a week ago. I had a couple of people call and ask to speak to her, because they had just gotten her Christmas letter. I had to tell them that she had passed away. And in a way, it was like she was preparing for her death.
So needless to say, I didn't do very good calorie-wise yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I actually stayed within my calories (even got lunch at a fast food place), and did some small exercises. But it was a very tough day for me. You see, this year, there have been 3 people that I felt close to, who have died. One of heart problems, (not sudden, and somewhat expected); an ex-boyfriend who was still a friend committed suicide at the beginning of this year; and the one who died yesterday. While I've experienced death in my life, these are the first where I felt close to the person. I think that I've dealt with them well, but for some reason, the ex-boyfriend is constantly on my mind.
I don't know if it's because I feel like I could have done something, or I miss him, I don't know. It really frustrates me, because, even if he was alive, I shouldn't/wouldn't be thinking about him like I am. I seem to be thinking about the things we did, things I consider now inappropriate and wrong, and especially since I'm married now, almost as if I'm being unfaithful to my husband by thinking about them. I regret the things that I did with the ex. But I still can't seem to get him out of my mind.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Don't beat yourself up!
I am still struggling with ordering the right food choices for me when my DH and I go out to eat. I knew the right things to do, and went through the menu finding the healthy choices for me. But the whole problem is that, no matter how much I prepare myself ahead of time, I still don't want the healthy food. I want the fatty baked potato soup, and the panini sandwich and the fries.
In looking back on last night, my best food choices last night were that I drank water instead of soda or the hot cocoa I was considering briefly, and I only ate half the fries, and took some of the meat out of the sandwich. (Although Panini is very thin and I wonder if it has less calories than bread?). After we got home, my tummy started to let me know it didn't like what I had eaten.
I was standing outside berating myself, when I suddenly became aware that I was beating myself over something that was over and done with. I made myself stop and think of one thing to give myself credit for. That would be the water I drank. I don't normally order a drink other than water, as I don't like soda or most sugary drinks, so I probably would've ordered water anyways, but I'm going to count that as a positive for last night.
And all day, yesterday, everytime I got cold at my desk, I did 20 wall push-ups. In the whole day, I think I did 80-100, and last night, my arms were slightly sore, which is a good thing. Lately I haven't been exercising, like I know I should be. So even getting in this small bit is good. I also did 10 of those exercises (Bob Harper on Biggest Loser showed them during a commercial break awhile back) (I love Bob Harper!!!!!) where you go down into a slight squat, and then stand up straight on your toes and push your arms above your head. It's a very smooth exercise that, I can guarantee, works. His suggestion when he demonstrated it was to do it during commercial breaks so you're getting some kind of exercise in.
So I did.
For a one hour show, and the breaks were approximately 3-5 minutes long. And the next day, I was so sore, I could barely get down the stairs at work. I had to lean into the rail and let one leg down and then swing the other way and let the other leg down. LOL. When I was doing the exercises, it didn't feel like there was THAT MUCH of an impact, but the next day, I knew. So I'm just going to do one or two sets of ten on that one for awhile until my muscles are stronger.
In looking back on last night, my best food choices last night were that I drank water instead of soda or the hot cocoa I was considering briefly, and I only ate half the fries, and took some of the meat out of the sandwich. (Although Panini is very thin and I wonder if it has less calories than bread?). After we got home, my tummy started to let me know it didn't like what I had eaten.
I was standing outside berating myself, when I suddenly became aware that I was beating myself over something that was over and done with. I made myself stop and think of one thing to give myself credit for. That would be the water I drank. I don't normally order a drink other than water, as I don't like soda or most sugary drinks, so I probably would've ordered water anyways, but I'm going to count that as a positive for last night.
And all day, yesterday, everytime I got cold at my desk, I did 20 wall push-ups. In the whole day, I think I did 80-100, and last night, my arms were slightly sore, which is a good thing. Lately I haven't been exercising, like I know I should be. So even getting in this small bit is good. I also did 10 of those exercises (Bob Harper on Biggest Loser showed them during a commercial break awhile back) (I love Bob Harper!!!!!) where you go down into a slight squat, and then stand up straight on your toes and push your arms above your head. It's a very smooth exercise that, I can guarantee, works. His suggestion when he demonstrated it was to do it during commercial breaks so you're getting some kind of exercise in.
So I did.
For a one hour show, and the breaks were approximately 3-5 minutes long. And the next day, I was so sore, I could barely get down the stairs at work. I had to lean into the rail and let one leg down and then swing the other way and let the other leg down. LOL. When I was doing the exercises, it didn't feel like there was THAT MUCH of an impact, but the next day, I knew. So I'm just going to do one or two sets of ten on that one for awhile until my muscles are stronger.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Oh donuts! How you ruin me!
Yesterday, I did really well. I stayed within my calories, though just slightly under. Then, my cousin (and husbands best friend) stopped by to drop off a small box of donuts from his work. He's of the mind that you shouldn't waste those things, and his work throws away about 3 or 4 boxes each evening. So he takes them home, or gives them to people.
I couldn't resist the maple bar! Luckily, it only pushed my calories over my limit by about 175 calories, but wow! I mean, I resisted the temptation for a whole two hours, and I know I should've put the box in the corner of the kitchen where I wouldn't see (or smell) it every time I walked by. Then, when I picked it up, I told myself I would only eat half of it, but that really only works for me if I immediately cut it in half and put the other half away. I've got these tricks; I just keep forgetting or forgoing them. I'm going to have to work on that though
I couldn't resist the maple bar! Luckily, it only pushed my calories over my limit by about 175 calories, but wow! I mean, I resisted the temptation for a whole two hours, and I know I should've put the box in the corner of the kitchen where I wouldn't see (or smell) it every time I walked by. Then, when I picked it up, I told myself I would only eat half of it, but that really only works for me if I immediately cut it in half and put the other half away. I've got these tricks; I just keep forgetting or forgoing them. I'm going to have to work on that though
Monday, November 2, 2009
Off track
I'm back to 305.6 pounds. After last week, where I actually showed my weight just under 300, the rest of the week had been around 303. And then came the Halloween party, and the baby shower. (I only had a small piece of cake though; it was too rich for me), I still showed a gain. But I have a feeling that it'll be back to normal this week. I was moving around a ton for the last 3 days, so it's not like I've been inactive. I just have to start working harder toward my goal.
In the past, I'd always say, Oh I'm gonna lose weight by (fill in the blank): ______ (i.e. my prom, sisters wedding, christmas, Easter, Halloween, my wedding, etc.) I never did it though. I never even tried. I just wanted to be thin, but it'd be I'll start on Monday, or next week, or tomorrow, or on the first day of the new year. I was never motivated enough. I've been having those thoughts again; "I want to lose weight by Christmas, so my brother in law won't be able to accuse me or my husband of being fat-a**es", and taking and eating his cookies or peanuts again. But there's a reason for that feeling, not that it makes it ok, but there is a reason.
This August, we went on a family trip to the beach (with my husband's family); everyone came over from Arizona, Idaho and eastern Oregon. We live in Western Oregon, so it's only an hour for us. Anyways, the second night we were there, Jeff's brother accused both Jeff and I of being fat-as*es, and cheap-as*es (we're poor. What'd you expect?) And then to go so far as saying that we hadn't pitched anything in for the week. We hadn't. We ate out every meal we were there for, and didn't snack at all. We went Thursday through Sunday, and despite all the goodies they left around the house, neither of us snacked on anything. No cookies, no peanuts. But he didn't believe that, because we're fat. I guess according to him, we can't help ourselves.
It made me so mad, and now uncomfortable, because we're going back to the parents-in-law for Christmas, and we would normally stay with that brother. Jeff & I agreed that we would get a hotel room before staying at their house again. We both felt like they'd be cataloguing every bite of food we put into our mouthes, and epecting some kind of payment for letting us stay at their house. AHHH, awkward! I'm still peeved about it. Jeff forgave his brother, and they're on slightly better terms now, but all I see is everyone excusing his poor behavior "Oh, that's just X being X". So ridiculous. So it'll probably be awhile before I get over it, but in a way, that trip was an eye-opener for us. We could see what his brother thought/thinks of us, and make arrangements to work around it, so if we feel uncomfortable, we know what to expect, and to leave if necessary.
Makes me sad, but I'm madder about than sad right now. But that's why I worry. When we got back from the beach, the first thing we both said is "we should lose a bunch of weight and show them!" Which is totally the wrong reason to lose weight. Not to mention that when the weight came back on, we'd look stupid. So, now that I can see what I'm doing wrong, attitude-wise in regards to Christmas, I'm hoping that I can straighten back out and lose weight for the right reason.
In the past, I'd always say, Oh I'm gonna lose weight by (fill in the blank): ______ (i.e. my prom, sisters wedding, christmas, Easter, Halloween, my wedding, etc.) I never did it though. I never even tried. I just wanted to be thin, but it'd be I'll start on Monday, or next week, or tomorrow, or on the first day of the new year. I was never motivated enough. I've been having those thoughts again; "I want to lose weight by Christmas, so my brother in law won't be able to accuse me or my husband of being fat-a**es", and taking and eating his cookies or peanuts again. But there's a reason for that feeling, not that it makes it ok, but there is a reason.
This August, we went on a family trip to the beach (with my husband's family); everyone came over from Arizona, Idaho and eastern Oregon. We live in Western Oregon, so it's only an hour for us. Anyways, the second night we were there, Jeff's brother accused both Jeff and I of being fat-as*es, and cheap-as*es (we're poor. What'd you expect?) And then to go so far as saying that we hadn't pitched anything in for the week. We hadn't. We ate out every meal we were there for, and didn't snack at all. We went Thursday through Sunday, and despite all the goodies they left around the house, neither of us snacked on anything. No cookies, no peanuts. But he didn't believe that, because we're fat. I guess according to him, we can't help ourselves.
It made me so mad, and now uncomfortable, because we're going back to the parents-in-law for Christmas, and we would normally stay with that brother. Jeff & I agreed that we would get a hotel room before staying at their house again. We both felt like they'd be cataloguing every bite of food we put into our mouthes, and epecting some kind of payment for letting us stay at their house. AHHH, awkward! I'm still peeved about it. Jeff forgave his brother, and they're on slightly better terms now, but all I see is everyone excusing his poor behavior "Oh, that's just X being X". So ridiculous. So it'll probably be awhile before I get over it, but in a way, that trip was an eye-opener for us. We could see what his brother thought/thinks of us, and make arrangements to work around it, so if we feel uncomfortable, we know what to expect, and to leave if necessary.
Makes me sad, but I'm madder about than sad right now. But that's why I worry. When we got back from the beach, the first thing we both said is "we should lose a bunch of weight and show them!" Which is totally the wrong reason to lose weight. Not to mention that when the weight came back on, we'd look stupid. So, now that I can see what I'm doing wrong, attitude-wise in regards to Christmas, I'm hoping that I can straighten back out and lose weight for the right reason.
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