Finally, time to blog!

I've been gone for a week. We went to my in-laws house for Christmas, and while I've occasionally logged in to track my calories online, I haven't had time to blog until today. Jeff and I got home from the other side of the state yesterday at 2 o'clock, and it started snowing, about 5 minutes before we got home. And it snowed for about 7 hours straight, and we got 5 inches of snow. The snow was lovely! I love snow!

For Christmas, my parents-in-law gave Jeff and I a Wii and a Wii fitness. It is soo much fun. I spent about 20 minutes playing the games on it last night and then my Mom and sisblings came over to play and we all had a hilarious time! There are some fun games on there! And in the program, it’ll do kind of a body analysis; weight and bmi, etc. And it’s very close to my scale, so I think it’s accurate. It said I now weigh 295!

So I lost weight over the holidays! And while yes, I did get sick, it was only for one night and a day, and after that time I ate pretty normally. Even if part of it was from being sick, I definitely lost something, which is pretty cool! We also watched Julie and Julia, which I really loved! Fantastic movie; made me tear up several times. But the hardest was when she found out her sister was expecting a baby, and as she’s crying in her husband’s arms, she says “I’m so happy for them”. I couldn’t sob out loud because the parents were right there, but Jeff quietly reached over and took my hand, it really did pull at my heart strings. In large part because I know exactly how she felt.

When someone tells me that they’re expecting, it hurts because it seems to come so easy for them, but at the same time, I am happy for them. I think I struggle with being gracious about it; like when they tell me, and I get the little pain in my heart, I know I could take the news better than I do. I’m not mean, but I think I do possibly act a little bitter. The problem there is that then they don’t want to tell me because they know that it bothers me. It seems to be a never ending circle, so I’m working on ending it.

Jeff and I talked and agreed that for the 3 (something) months, we’re going to focus less on getting pregnant, and more on losing weight, and getting a little healthier. I think it’ll help us both to not focus so much on it, but I have a tough time Not thinking about. How does a person do that? I mean, not only do we feel hormonal certain times of month, we have a regular monthly reminder about it. What can I do to help myself think about it less? I don’t know. And also, during that scene, it made me think about how hard it must be for someone who is expecting a baby to announce their pregnancy to someone who’s struggling with the trying to get pregnant. That has to be so hard. Anyways, I think that’s enough deep thinking for one day.

Why I don't run at night

May your stuffing be tasty,
may your turkey be plump,
may your potatoes and gravy
not go to your rump.

May your yams be delicious,
may your pies take the prize and
may your Christmas dinner
stay off of your thighs.

I love this poem! I'm going to put it onto FB just for fun! Last night, I completed Week 2 in the C25k program! On the treadmill of course. I live in the country, kind of. Like my house is located a few minutes from town, but I live down a road with only 10 or 15 houses on it, and fairly spread out.

There is a business of sorts at the beginning of the road that helps homeless, and often drug addicts go there. And in the nearly 6 years I've lived in my home, I've experienced alot of unusual and uncomfortable events from some of these people, as they often come down the road. Because of these events, I already don't really feel comfortable being outside after dark, or not having Jeff with me, or even being on the deck when it's dark if I know Jeff isn't right inside.

I've seen and heard too many weird things. But the other day, I gave it a try. And ran into a skunk. Well, technically, I stopped a few feet from it. But my gosh he reeked, and raised his tail. After I backed away slowly, I turned and ran faster than I have before. Except maybe that one time I ran from the wave of foam at the beach. And that made me go back to my treadmill.

Anyway, we're leaving tonight for the MIL and FIL's house, where we'll be tomorrow. We're only going halfway tonight, so we don't have to go over the snowy icy mountain passes in the dark. Ugh. I love this drive, but the snow and ice from November through May make me very nervous. We have our suitcases, gifts, and ingredients for fudge and pecan pie (which I'll be making tomorrow).

Then, thanks to my watching a show last week called "I shouldn't be alive", Jeff thought I was being a little paranoid. I think I'm reasonable and if we ever drive off a cliff or get stuck, Jeff will be grateful for my forsight. But (thanks to the show), I packed a 24-pack of water bottles, 14 cans of food, and a can opener, my very extensive first aid kit (beer included, of course), a rope, and blankets. We'll survive over 2 weeks if that happens. Fingers crossed, but prepared just in case. And if anything, the weight of the extras will help on the snow and ice. See? Positives all around! I'd probably even lose weight!

Week 1: Goal met!

Well, as of yesterday, I finished week 1 of the Couch to 5 K program! I had originally planned to do the third workout on Saturday, but was unable to, so I got up on Sunday and did it. It was really funny; I thought my family was over when someone dang the doorbell three times, but it turned out to be my roommate's mom who's a little awkward to talk to, and to be around.

I am also rarely in a talking mood first thing in the morning. So I was all dressed in my workout (read: unattractive) clothes, and listened at our bedroom door for them to leave. The second they left, I was out the door, racing quietly for the other end of the house, where I snuck into our exercise room and closed the door, seconds before they came back in. Talk about being stealthy! LOL.

And I sent the roomie texts that I was exercising so don’t come in unless she wants to lose her head. (Reason for that is I'm self-conscious when I'm exercising, and the first thing a person would see walking into the room is my butt, and I’m grumpy in the morning). Anyways, I did the whole 28 minutes (YAY), and felt pretty good about it. Then I had to get my sweaty stinky self to the bathroom to take a shower, and be seen by her family, who was back.

It was either walk past them, or go out the front door and around to the back. Either way, they would’ve heard me, and I didn’t want to be rude to them, so I walked past them to our room. An on the way, her Mom who was sitting on the couch (one of the laziest people I know; in this instance, they were putting up the tree, decorating, etc., and she was watching them), and as I walked past and said Hello, she calls out “did you exercise for me too?”. I swear, my mind stopped dead. What do you say to that?!? LOL, after what felt like 5 minutes of mental gymnastics (remember, I’m barely thinking in the morning), I said “I can only exercise for myself right now.” I’m hoping it wasn’t rude, but no one seemed to think so, so I’m assuming not. Ahh, what a morning!

I conquer!

Yesterday, I started motivating myself for my C25K run last night. I started first thing in the morning. And all throughout the day, made sure that I kept doing it. So last night, I got home from work, ate dinner and went to exercise. I made it through the entire W1D2 of it!!! The whole 28 minutes! YES! My mini goal was to get through 6 sets of the walking/running, because on Day 1, I made it halfway there. But yesterday, I made it through the entire thing!!! I felt so proud of myself, I knew I could do it!

And then when I went out to the living room where my husband was hanging out, I sat my sweaty stinky self on the arm of the sofa to talk to him for a second, and he observed that my face is looking thinner!!! I hadn't really noticed, but then, I tend to look pretty closely at my face every day. So I took a picture in the bathroom and lo and behold, it is thinner!

Sometimes, I pity my husband.

For about the last week, I've been (I'm sure) a major stressor on my husband. I've been extremely emotional, to the point that I cried when he gave me a hug, I cried when we were talking on the phone, I cried talking to my roommate, etc. For me, it's been ridiculous. But for my husband, he who has 4 brothers and 0 (zero) sisters, he doesn't understand what's going on, and even feels bad because he thinks he's the cause of my stress. I'd LOL, but I might cry.

I thought that maybe my fertility was working for a change, and I suppose there's still a chance, but I won't know for 4 more days. In the meantime, I'm really struggling with emotional mood swings, tenderness, and other things. My temperature dropped nearly a whole degree yesterday, but then today it went back up halfway, so I really don't know what to think. Honestly, I'm trying not to. If I hope that I am pregnant, and then find out I'm not, it's heartbreaking. If I'm expecting that I'm not, it's easier to take.

Better is Good Enough

I recently read a blog on "Escape from Obesity" written by Lyn. She is the person who started me on my weight loss journey. I had never quite had the motivation to start working on a lifestyle change. I always had the dream and the desire, but lacked the motivation and how to. In dreaming about it all these years, I've done alot of research, and learned soo much about how the body works; how weight comes on and off; better exercises for the body, etc. So much information, but I didn't quite (apparently) know how to use it all as a whole, properly with positive changes. After I happened upon "Escape from Obesity", I realized that I was alot like Lyn, and I was able to relate to her. So I started in her archives on her very first blog and read several each day, until I caught up, and follow her daily now.

Her blog the other day said "Better is Good Enough". Which I absolutely believe! If what I do today for lunch is not great, but it's better than what I would've done for lunch a year ago, it's good enough. Which may be a baby step, but to me is progress. Lunch a year ago might have been a cheesy bean and rice burrito, triple layer nachos, and a chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell. Not only is that bad “sounding” for me, it’s also 1,330 calories; 66g. carbs; 136g. fat; and 48g. protein. Nearly an entire days worth of calories (and other nutrients) for me.

Compare that to my lunch today: ½ C. spaghetti (I started with probably 1 ½ C., but then took a breath and put 1 C. back. (Better.)) 1 very small piece of garlic bread, and 1 C. of homemade split pea soup. The total is approximately 350 calories. Way better compared to yesterday, a week ago and even a year ago. I think I have found my new mantra. I don’t expect myself to be perfect, and neither could I ever be. So for me, to be Better, IS good enough.

Coming up on vacation!

Despite my lack of motivation, in getting started with the C25K, I'm still making lots of extra little steps. Like yesterday, I finished most of the shopping for my family, and I think I walked around the store at least twice. And then I walked up and down a bunch of aisles. I had a list, but I was just checking out what they had and considering it for my hubs.

And..... today, I've kept close track of my calories and eaten pretty well, if I do say so myself. I've also decided to start weighing myself on Thursdays instead of Sundays. While still being honest with myself, I know that I don't do as well, calorie-wise on weekends, so I weigh myself on Sunday and the weight is a bit higher because we may go out to dinner or something. Doing it on Thursday would give me more time to fix any damage done on the weekend, although in the long run, I just need to eat better on the weekends. It's definitely a goal of mine.

My mother-in-law asked us what we want as a couple, and after a slight debate, Jeff told her a wii. Which sounded fine with me. We could compete and be active together, which would be great. But when I was at the store last night, I checked out their wii programs, and holy smokes! First you have to have the wii. Then you have to buy a separate program for the games, or wii fit($20), then you have to buy the balance board($99), or fake golf club thingie($30). I mean, it really adds up. I'm assuming we'll get a new program a couple times a year if we feel like it, but seriously, it almost seems not worth it. What a way for that company to make more money. It's just like the cell phone companies who can't all produce the same wall phone charger. NOoooo, it's gonna be a completely different charger for each phone because they're not compatible. (And then they make another$35 offa you for the phone charger you needed).

My brother is going into the Navy in January, and after months of thinking about what would be good for him for Christmas (especially since he can't bring it with him), I chose cookies. I'll make him one dozen for Christmas, and then twice during the next year, he can send me a letter asking for his Christmas present, and I'll ship it to him. Not to mention, it'd bring a little bit of home to him. I can't believe it took me so long to figure it out. LOL, but I really love what we're all doing this year.

Lacking motivation

For some reason, I can't seem to motivate myself to exercise in the evenings. I've at least been riding my exercise bike for awhile, but I really want to run! I don't know if I want to feel the wind on my face, or what, but I want to be one of those people who, at some point in their day, spend a small amount of time, running, by themselves, for themselves.

It started out that I did run one evening, and had to keep checking my husband's watch (and worse, it was dark so I had to fumble around for the light button before I could see it). The C25K website has a podcast, if you can call it that, that has a guys voice say when to jog or when to run. But no music. Sorry, but that bores me to tears. So, in looking around more, I found a couple of podcasts that have the intervals, which is exactly what I want. So tonight, I'll have my husband download one onto the ipod and then I can go. But I must go. If I don't buckle down, I know I will never buckle down.

I want to like exercise. I want to be motivated and determined enough that I don't let myself make excuses, or "lose track" of the time in the evenings. I'm tired of sitting there and playing games with myself. I've been doing great hovering around 300, with little effort. If I put in more effort, I'll see better results. I need to do this for me.

Another thing that is difficult is that we're still pretty tight financially, and even 1 week of groceries (including fresh fruit and veggies) will add up. It's kind of a catch 22; healthy foods are best for us, and especially for losing weight. But they cost us an arm and a leg. (Maybe that's how they help us lose weight! LMAO!!! Ok. bad joke. I know.) Anyways, I have a basic menu written out for myself for a week, I have my tupperware containers at the ready, I'm so prepared. But I don't have the food because I don't want to use the money we have left, just in case we need it at the end of the month. Maybe I'll skim down my menu a bit and go to the store tonight and get the basics. A small step is always better than nothing.

An update

I've still counted my calories and tracked my foods, but only halfheartedly, I think because I've been lazy. And it seems to be more on the weekends, I get busy and forget to. I also haven't really worked out, as I've planned to do. It always seems like something comes up.

So my goal for the next week is to write down my calories in my notebook (which I haven't used for a couple of weeks and seems to help get me back on track) and to start the Couch to 5k program. Tonight. Rain or shine (though it's bi*chy cold outside right now), it's going to happen. I've also decided to slowly try Clean Eating. I love the idea of eating for energy, and foods that are unprocessed and actually healthy with their lack of additives and preservatives. I'm doing more research today, and then I'll be shopping tonight to give myself a gentle start.

It'll take some doing for me, as I like to sleep in, every morning as late as I can, so I have to have everything prepared the evening before so I can just grab my cooler and go. I feel really positive about this step. Even if I don't lose weight on it, I will know that I'm healthier because I'm eating healthier.

Sidenote: (I'm grumbling at the computer because I don't want to include this) but I'm trying to be honest with myself first, because that keeps me accountable. I weighed myself yesterday and I am back up to 300 even. I did eat a saltier dinner, which definitely does have an impact on me, and like I said above, I've been slacking. But on the positive side, that's only 1.2 pounds up from last Sunday, which is not as bad as I'd imagined. So, there's me being honest.

The weather here is bitterly cold, but skies as blue and clear as ever, but with a wind chill factor that makes it feel like it's 17 degrees outside. Brrrrrrrrr.

Death (that makes 4) and BMI points

I found out my Great Uncle passed away yesterday. I knew he'd been in poor health, over a year ago, but I hadn't heard anything in that time at all, so I didn't know his health was that bad. I didn't know him, so I'm not really grieving, but what does make me sad is that he is my Grandpa's twin brother, and they had a nasty argument when they were young, like 20-ish, and never resolved it, so it built so much that they would avoid being around each other all the time. What's sad is that they wasted the majority of their lives hating each other, and now, there's no chance to move on.

On a more positive note, in losing the 14-something pounds that I've lost, I have also gotten rid of 2.4 BMI points! I started at 50.5 which, I think, is morbidly obese, which just sounds ugly. My new BMI is 48.1!!!!! I know I'm way high still (and still morbidly obese), but it's still lower than it was.

I hate drama!

Last night, my darling hubby put up a political quote on his facebook page. We're fairly conservative, as was the comment. We predicted his SIL would be responding to it very shortly (she's fairly liberal), and she did. But, as usual, it had a little bite in it.

So Jeff, being Jeff, deleted it. LOL, I thought it was funny first. After all, we all have that option on our page, to delete a persons comment if we don't like it. Then the SIL sent him an email to both of us, telling us that she is "hurt and offended" that he'd delete her comment. This from his favorite SIL. I'm so confused, mostly because she turned it into a personal thing. As in, he deleted the comment because he wanted to hurt her? Something like that. I wrote to her, belaying my confusion, and saying that he didn't do anything TO her. Deleting the comment wasn't a slap at anything. It was simply what he chose to do.

So then she set her husband (my hubby's brother) to chat with Jeff, and they went on and on about he he's changed and has no compassion, and is cold, etc. It's a very weird situation, as they WAAAYYY overreacted and can't just accept that he has a different opinion and they should just move on. (A number of these things I also wrote in the email to her). I was very nice, stated that we love them very much, but still was frustrated by all this drama. She has also suggested that we remove them as facebook friends, which I'd rather not do, as facebook is where we keep up with the lives of old friends and long-distance family. So now, she and her husband are taking a vacation from Facebook. No biggie to me, but it bothers Jeff the way everything snowballed. And worse, he tends to apologize for these things, whether he's in the wrong or not. Which tells me he takes the blame for these things.

Sometimes, I wish these people would just give me a call, or something and have it out with me instead of him. He has an anxiety disorder and these events often stress him out. And if they call him, he always ends up apologizing. They all think he owes apologies for our ridiculous beach vacation this last summer even.

Maybe I'm playing the devils advocate, but I absolutely think they're being ridiculous and I encourage him to be strong in what he believes, no matter what they say.

Despite the stress of all the above last night, I didn't go find anything to eat at all. After dinner (which wasn't very good) I ate nothing, although I am often an emotional eater. YAY!