It's long, but I think worth the read

Weigh-in for 7.27- 277.8, up 0.4 pounds. I need to catch this before it turns into some real damage.

I’ve decided I need a little more honesty on this blog, for accountability. It’s not that I’ve been dishonest, or lied about anything, which I haven’t, but I also haven’t really detailed what has happened when I’ve taken a step off the wagon, or how far I’ve gotten. I know if I have to write down what I eat and share it with others, it’s going to be a pretty big deterrent for eating a lot. At least that’s what I’m hoping it’ll be. A couple of months ago, I said I’d write down what I eat, every day, and I haven’t been. I am going to put a little “disclaimer” at the bottom to ask people to not comment on the foods I eat. If it’s bad, believe me, I know it and I beat myself up enough without having someone read my blog and tell me what I’m doing wrong. I really do know. Thank you for your support though; it really is appreciated. So here goes.

The last two days haven’t really been very good, eating-wise. What is it that makes a person heat two burritos up, and eat them, and then heat up two more, and take another bite of burrito and another, all the while, telling themselves that they aren’t hungry; they don’t need to eat more; their stomach is starting to hurt; you’re going to be miserable pretty soon. I said all those things to myself last night, in a pitiful attempt to stop eating. I also made a box of Pastaroni and ate it. I know, what was going on?

I don’t know for sure, but I’ve got a good guess. Jeff had his clinicals last night and was gone until 11:40PM. I was definitely feeling lonely, and a little bit down, and a little irritated at something my sister had done earlier that day, and it took me back to my habits of 6 or 7 years ago. Literally, I felt as if I had gone back in time; I was 20 or 21 again, living on my own in a quiet dark house, depressed and lonely and eating so much that I don’t know how I didn’t expect to get to 315 pounds in 6-ish years. Wanting to lose weight and be thin and happy, but not exercising or making any actual effort to do so.

It was really depressing to me. Even writing about it makes me hurt. Those were such miserable years.

Well, to grab myself by the seat of my pants, and give myself the proverbial kick in the butt, I searched the house high and low last night, looking for my “Beck Diet Solution” book. I finally found it, and realized had I stopped and thought about where I had it last, it wouldn’t have taken a 1 hour search. I pulled it out this morning, and read the introduction and days 1, 2 and 3. The Beck Diet Solution uses cognitive behavioral therapy to help change your thoughts, and help find ways to avoid mental sabotage when you’re trying to change your habits. The other two times I did it, or refreshed myself, my weight dropped more than any other time.

The first day’s job is to write my advantages to losing the weight. My reasons for taking up this lifelong journey of losing and maintaining my weight.

My reasons are:
1. Jeff may follow my example and lose weight. We may be able to get pregnant.
2. I want to run (actually run) a 5k.
3. I will be able to look at myself in a mirror without feeling disgusted or ashamed.
4. People will have no reason to discuss my weight, or catalog what I eat.
5. Shopping for clothes with my sister Lisa will be fun.
6. I’ll be hot in a bikini.
7. Dad will think I’m beautiful.
8. The seatbelt of my car won’t hurt where it presses into my side.
9. I’ll fit into an airplane seat.

I’ve actually re-done this book about 2 (3 now) times and each time, I write down my reasons for wanting to lose weight, and it’s kind of fun to see how they change after 6 or so months.

This part has always been a little hard; you’re kind of digging into emotions and feelings, and it’s a little draining, but I did finish it. On day 2, the job is to pick 2 dietary plans. I’m not using the word diet because that always seems short, like it will end. It won’t. I’m changing the way I eat, and I want something that will be sustainable forever if need be. The reason for 2 plans is that if you fail on the first, you have a plan B to fall back on, immediately, instead of stopping altogether because you gave up. Since I’m on weight watchers and feel like it’s a good match, I’ll be staying with it.

And for day 3, the job is to make a point of only letting yourself eat, if you’re sitting. When you’re cutting some cheese, for example, and cut yourself a slice, you’re going to be very aware of eating or not eating it, if you make yourself go to the dining room to sit down to eat that slice. This is one that I’ve struggled with the most, and never quite mastered, so I wrote it on my hand, as well as writing 3 response cards.

Example
THOUGHT: It’s ok if I eat standing up this one time. I’ll eat my next meal sitting down.
RESPONSE: “Just this one time” is not ok. I have to face the fact that I probably can’t lose weight and keep it off if I refuse to change my habit of eating while standing up.

OR
I enjoy spontaneous munching. I don’t want to stop eating while I’m standing.
RESPONSE: I need to sit down to eat. When I eat standing up, I just don’t notice what I’m eating. I could eat way too much and not realize it. I might not want to give up this behavior, but I’ll enjoy being thin much more.

The idea is that when I find myself struggling, it will help me to straighten myself out by reading the cards. It actually does work, and if you do all 6 weeks, it’s pretty well ingrained. The reason I fell back into my old habits is that through the last 6 months, I’ve slowly forgotten to use the cards if I felt I needed them, or stopped using the positive thoughts. This is what I’m going to work on.

Wow, this is longer than I had intended. I’ll finish up now.

7/28 dinner through 7/29 lunch
4 burritos
1 box pasta roni
2 C. watermelon
1 cheese stick
1 serving reduced fat wheat thins
1 C. chili
1 C. canned corn

Disclaimer: Please don’t comment on the foods I eat. When it’s bad, believe me, I know it and I beat myself up enough without having someone read my blog and tell me what I’m doing wrong. I really do know. Thank you for your support though; it really is appreciated.